Dirty Benny's Weekly Rant

[Veronica]

All I can say is WOW! Where do they find these people! These are "Bond Fans" (see my rant of the same name) of the first order! They are precisely who EON is aiming the Craig films at, just shout "FLEMING'S BOND" loud enough and people will just nod along.

The OP is bad enough, but near the bottom of the page a chap says this:

"Connery has tremendous screen presence, great in the part but i found him a little too cold and unemotional to be Flemings Bond, Lazenby tried to ape Connery too much, but his was a brave effort, Moore played the role exactly how it should have been played at that time, but stayed in the part too long, Dalton nailed it, Brosnan was a disaster, miscast even, and Craig brought back gravitas to the role."

Connery too cold and unemotional! Compared to Craig!!!!!! Craig's stiff, wooden, and sleepy delivery is more "emotional" than Connery?!?! I guess depressed is an emotion so in that respect he is far and away more "emotional"! Brosnan a disaster and Craig brings back "gravitas"? How?!?! The way he mopes around like a depressed basset hound? What a joke!!!!!! I'd laugh if it wasn't so sickening.

If those minions will keep on bashing Pierce for many years to come, they might as well do so with Tim and see that the traditional tall and dark-hair types as irrelevant.

FBF,of course they pick on Brosnan more than they do on Timothy. Brosnan is after all the one who starred in the most "horrid of all Bond films" a.k.a DAD that almost killed the franchise. Yeah,right.
Then,there is this whole thing about Dalton and Craig somehow being similar in their potrayals which I don't really see.

[FormerBondFan]

All I can say is WOW! Where do they find these people! These are "Bond Fans" (see my rant of the same name) of the first order! They are precisely who EON is aiming the Craig films at, just shout "FLEMING'S BOND" loud enough and people will just nod along.

The OP is bad enough, but near the bottom of the page a chap says this:

"Connery has tremendous screen presence, great in the part but i found him a little too cold and unemotional to be Flemings Bond, Lazenby tried to ape Connery too much, but his was a brave effort, Moore played the role exactly how it should have been played at that time, but stayed in the part too long, Dalton nailed it, Brosnan was a disaster, miscast even, and Craig brought back gravitas to the role."

Connery too cold and unemotional! Compared to Craig!!!!!! Craig's stiff, wooden, and sleepy delivery is more "emotional" than Connery?!?! I guess depressed is an emotion so in that respect he is far and away more "emotional"! Brosnan a disaster and Craig brings back "gravitas"? How?!?! The way he mopes around like a depressed basset hound? What a joke!!!!!! I'd laugh if it wasn't so sickening.

If those minions will keep on bashing Pierce for many years to come, they might as well do so with Tim and see that the traditional tall and dark-hair types as irrelevant.

FBF,of course they pick on Brosnan more than they do on Timothy. Brosnan is after all the one who starred in the most "horrid of all Bond films" a.k.a DAD that almost killed the franchise. Yeah,right.
Then,there is this whole thing about Dalton and Craig somehow being similar in their potrayals which I don't really see.

They pick on Pierce even though he had no control the content he given.

[bjmdds]

I personally liked Brosnan's films except the final 2/3 of DAD. He would have done 2 more films if Broccoli did not have the hots for Cr-egg and she became obsessed with him.

[dirtybenny]

Special Feature Rant: The Spectre Introspection: part 10: “Cheers and Tan-Jeers” or “Rotten Easter Cr-eggs”


Open on our intrepid (or is that insipid) duo of Craig and Swann walking through the streets of Tangiers, we know its Tangiers because once again the auteur Sam Mendes provided a label at the bottom of the screen. At least this time I’ll concede we weren’t told several times, in a multitude of ways, where Craig was headed in the previous scene, as they have throughout the film. This is the same Sam Mendes who claimed he couldn’t put the gun barrel walk at the beginning of SF because he would have to insert an establishing shot in between it and the “artistic” opening with Craig emerging from the shadows in that film. Turns out all he needed to do was just insert “Istanbul” at the bottom of the screen! But seriously, how is it this “magnificent” “irreplaceable” (overrated) director couldn’t come up with anything more imaginative than just plastering the name of the city on the screen? Particularly as I’ve pointed out before, it’s unnecessary, because we’ve been told several times in the previous scenes exactly where Craig is going!

As if to add insult to injury, Craig is wearing a very near approximation of Dalton’s Tangiers outfit from TLD, tan chinos, blue polo shirt and tan jacket. Craig and Swann enter a building which is called… Wait for it… The Hotel L’ American! So that’s what she meant when she said it wasn’t a person! I imagine this is some sort of “wink” “nod” or “homage” to that other Moroccan based classic Casablanca, where the bulk of the action takes place at Rick’s Café American. Back to my previous point why couldn’t Mendes do something clever to tell us where they were? Maybe incorporate Tangiers in to the signs (yes plural) or mural that state “Hotel L’ American” or have the bell person simply say welcome to Tangiers!

Thinking about this, everyone referred to this place as L’ American, even when they thought it was a person, why? If you think L’ American is a person rather than a name, why would you not refer to him as The American, if English is your native dialect, why are you referring to this “person” in French?

The two check in and are shown their room. Swann goes to the window, wistfully looks out and begins a dramatic monologue. She begins “This is where they spent their wedding night”, I assume she means her parents, she continues “They came back every year”, “Then they brought me with them too”, “He kept coming back even after the divorce”. Craig replies “Well then, I’m sorry”, for what? Sorry her parents were unimaginative vacationers? That her Dad couldn’t let go? That we were subjected to this retched cinematic stool sample?

Craig decides it would be a good idea to tear up the book shelf while Swann indulges in a glass of wine. Deep and I mean DEEP within the built in cabinet Craig finds a 75% full bottle of vodka, he offers Swann a drink of her “inheritance” which she properly declines. Craig on the other hand takes a big draught on the bottle of god knows how old hooch he found in the back of a cabinet! Ugh, talk about having a problem! If you ever wanted to kill Craig’s “Bond” just leave any random bottle of booze out, perhaps under a large safe labeled “ACME” and wait to cut the rope holding it aloft!

The two share some very stilted dialogue about her disdain for her father, which I’ll gloss over to spare those who still have food in their stomachs. After boo-hooing about dear old Dad, Swann declares she’s going to bed, attempts to stand and is suddenly drunk! Not a sign of slur or stutter in her little speech about daddy disappointing her, but yet here she’s literally falling in to bed! She tells Craig if he comes anywhere near her she’ll kill him, she also mutters “what am I doing here?” (Funny again I find myself in concurrent thought with a character from this film) before passing out fully clothed (that’s important in a moment)

We find Craig asleep in a chair stirred by a rat (No, not Craig, he’s only rat faced) scurrying about the room. Craig produces his pistol and aims it at the rat. “Who sent you”… “Who are you working for?” He asks the rat. So apparently James Bond, yes that James Bond, has been reduced to interrogating rodents! This scene also reminds me of a scene from Austin Powers, that most dastardly of pictures, which signaled the death knell of the Bond of old, it’s the scene where Austin grabs hold of an assassin and asks “Who does number 2 work for?!”

The rat mistakes Craig for an albino boa constrictor and runs off in to a comically stereotypical mouse hole. If you’ve ever seen a Tom and Jerry cartoon, you know exactly what I’m on about. Craig sees this, eyes a crooked picture on the wall and grabs his trusty Heineken™, takes a healthy pull and approaches the wall. Trying to figure out where the rat went to, he commits what the frat boys who are his biggest fans call a party foul and pours his swill, I mean fine Dutch lager, on the ground which runs under the wall. I’m sorry if I’m a bit thick, but rats live in walls and basements, why would the presence of a rat and its exit through a wall cause one to assume there was anything suspect about it. Craig being the great thinker I am not, deduces there is a false wall there and like the Incredible Hulk that he is, smashes through it. This wakes Swann who somehow is inexplicably wearing a satin night gown! We just watched her pass out fully clothed not a minute ago, she also declared in no uncertain terms just how much she detests Craig, but she had no problem apparently slipping in to a slinky negligee during the night!

Craig says “Of course” as he steps in to the secret room; yes of course this plot point would be included in this collection of non-sequiturs EON and Mendes call a film! He flips on a light, (because why wouldn’t a secret room in a hotel suite in Tangiers not be fully hooked up to the mains) the room complete with fully operational 1984 era commodore 64 computer springs to life! It’s full of various espionage gear, sniper rifles, ak-47s, passports, and the afore mentioned computer all covered in an inch of dust, between this and the cabin, White must have been quite the slovenly housekeeper!

Let me back up here, first of all how absolutely ridiculous this is! White built a secret room in a hotel in Tangiers, let me repeat that, a HOTEL, not apartment, not condominium, a HOTEL! A room hundreds of people pass through yearly, not to mention more ridiculously, the staff! Nobody, not one of them noticed that room 246 was suddenly missing the water closet?!?!

Then, there is Swann herself, she knew about the hotel, she knew the room number, but she didn’t know about the secret room? She had no recollection of how daddy would bust down the wall and rebuild it every holiday? Or let’s say he started this after Swann and her mother left him, she should have realized that the suite was one room short! (see comment above)

Amongst the dusty 1980's era spy toys are poorly photo shopped pictures (yes more) of a young Swann and daddy tacked up on a bulletin board. The touching music begins and she starts to get visibly choked up emotionally; in sort of an “I guess daddy did love me after all” sort of way. Which is confusing as White’s love of his daughter was never in question, she left him because she couldn’t stand his “sick life” as she called it, so what gives? Why are we surprised? What’s the big reveal here? Like everything else in this film it’s “cause we said so”. (That theme really ramps up later.) Craig finds a video tape, yes you read that right a VHS video tape labeled “Vesper Lynd interview”. OK, CR was made and took place in 2006, VHS was long dead by then, remember, even the Bahamian hotel security footage was recorded on DVD in that film! As Craig holds the tape Swann asks what is it, Craig sets it down and says “nothing” how existential!

As Craig logs in to the dusty, fully functional computer, Swann just so happens to find a small bit of paper tacked next to her pictures on the bulletin board and brings it to Craig. “What is this?” She asks, “Map coordinates” Craig replies. How convenient! White just left those lying around. Craig punches them in to the computer revealing a compound secreted inside a crater, in the middle of the desert. Craig says “He was looking for someone, he was looking for him, and he sent me here to finish the job!” Did he? Then why the bloody hell didn’t he just tell you about “The secret room in suite 246 at the hotel L’American, I have map coordinates tacked to a bulletin board, they lead to a secret lair in a crater in the Moroccan desert, kill him for me!” We could have saved 45 minutes of my life that was wasted on two hackneyed chase sequences and a giant steaming pile of stilted dialogue!

Swann states “I’m coming with you.” Craig replies “No you’re not, I want you alive, and I may not be coming back.” Ooooh, a suicide mission! She says “I know, but I want to learn what happened to my father.’ Uh, yeah, you already know what happened to your father, he was poisoned with radiation, then, he took his own life. It seems as if they wrote two versions of the Swann/daddy storyline, one in which she is told what happened, and one in which she wasn’t, and they constantly confuse the two.

Back to London where M finds he wasn’t included in a mass email, and missed a meeting, there is nothing more compelling than office politics! C states that South Africa is “now onboard” and 9 eyes is a go! M and C bicker about the “future” and “past” of intelligence, and C states he will be shutting down the 00 section, which should come as no surprise, as he said exactly that throughout the film.

So you’re off to find a secret desert lair in the middle of nowhere, how do you get there? You take the train of course…

[FormerBondFan]

I personally liked Brosnan's films except the final 2/3 of DAD.

What about this dead turkey?

[video]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bn_OrhwIidA[/video]

[Veronica]

I personally liked Brosnan's films except the final 2/3 of DAD.

What about this dead turkey?

[video]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bn_OrhwIidA[/video]

I treat anything that has Sarah Jessica Parker starring (except Sex and the City series) with caution.

P.S. In response to your last comment about Craig fans bashing on Brosnan...it's what they like to do. They bash Moore too,from what I've seen far more than any other actor. They have to knock down other actors to make Craig look better in comparison. I am not saying all Craig fans are like that but the vast majority I've encountered are.

[Veronica]

Another great rant Benny! You know how realistic and serious these films are of course a character built a secret room in a hotel after all that happens almost every day!

[bjmdds]

I personally liked Brosnan's films except the final 2/3 of DAD.

What about this dead turkey?

[video]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bn_OrhwIidA[/video]

I was referring to his 4 Bond films.

[FormerBondFan]

I personally liked Brosnan's films except the final 2/3 of DAD.

What about this dead turkey?

[video]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bn_OrhwIidA[/video]

I was referring to his 4 Bond films.

I know. For once, this is the only work of Pierce's I like to poke fun of.

[FormerBondFan]

I personally liked Brosnan's films except the final 2/3 of DAD.

What about this dead turkey?

[video]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bn_OrhwIidA[/video]

I treat anything that has Sarah Jessica Parker starring (except Sex and the City series) with caution.

P.S. In response to your last comment about Craig fans bashing on Brosnan...it's what they like to do. They bash Moore too,from what I've seen far more than any other actor. They have to knock down other actors to make Craig look better in comparison. I am not saying all Craig fans are like that but the vast majority I've encountered are.

One of those minions even went as far as considering him as worse than Fat Seagal.

[Veronica]

Well,FBF,they are the ones who bought the glorious campaign about Craig being the best actor ever,being the best Bond ever,the one who saved the franchise. They are also writing delusional things like Connery being too cold and unemotional while Craig is apparently more "human".
Ridiculous. Craig has one facial expression and it's the one of a stone. So I am really not suprised by anything.

[Kristatos]

Well,FBF,they are the ones who bought the glorious campaign about Craig being the best actor ever,being the best Bond ever,the one who saved the franchise. They are also writing delusional things like Connery being too cold and unemotional while Craig is apparently more "human".
Ridiculous. Craig has one facial expression and it's the one of a stone. So I am really not suprised by anything.

Yes, and a flat, monotone voice as well, at least when playing Bond. I think it shows his lack of enthusiasm for the role, as he is much better in other performances.

[The Saint 007]

Craig decides it would be a good idea to tear up the book shelf while Swann indulges in a glass of wine. Deep and I mean DEEP within the built in cabinet Craig finds a 75% full bottle of vodka, he offers Swann a drink of her “inheritance” which she properly declines. Craig on the other hand takes a big draught on the bottle of god knows how old hooch he found in the back of a cabinet! Ugh, talk about having a problem!

Great rant once again, Benny. Yes, that scene is like something you would see in those films about alcoholism such as The Lost Weekend. You would figure that Craig's Bond would be more cautious after his near death in Casino Royale when his drink was poisoned.

[Veronica]

Well,FBF,they are the ones who bought the glorious campaign about Craig being the best actor ever,being the best Bond ever,the one who saved the franchise. They are also writing delusional things like Connery being too cold and unemotional while Craig is apparently more "human".
Ridiculous. Craig has one facial expression and it's the one of a stone. So I am really not suprised by anything.

Yes, and a flat, monotone voice as well, at least when playing Bond. I think it shows his lack of enthusiasm for the role, as he is much better in other performances.

I haven't seen any of his other performances but for me he always seemed uninterested in Bond.
He never saw it as an honor or even an opportunity. It's like Bond is beneath cause he is such a "serious","arty" actor.

Hey,he is not only one currently involved with the franchise that seems to think Bond is beneath him. Let's not forget Sammy Mendes a.k.a. Mr."everything-i-am-doing-is-so-revolutionary" and Christopher Waltz who wouldn't say yes to a role if there wasn't for great Mendes and his serious,visionary direction.

Yet,he obviously spoofed the part because he couldn't take it seriously. From what I've seen he seemed to try not to burst out laughing.
Sad,these people were hired and yet they have no respect for the franchise. But then again,I doubt Barbara Broccoli has either.

[Atticus]

All I can say is WOW! Where do they find these people! These are "Bond Fans" (see my rant of the same name) of the first order! They are precisely who EON is aiming the Craig films at, just shout "FLEMING'S BOND" loud enough and people will just nod along.

The OP is bad enough, but near the bottom of the page a chap says this:

"Connery has tremendous screen presence, great in the part but i found him a little too cold and unemotional to be Flemings Bond, Lazenby tried to ape Connery too much, but his was a brave effort, Moore played the role exactly how it should have been played at that time, but stayed in the part too long, Dalton nailed it, Brosnan was a disaster, miscast even, and Craig brought back gravitas to the role."

Connery too cold and unemotional! Compared to Craig!!!!!! Craig's stiff, wooden, and sleepy delivery is more "emotional" than Connery?!?! I guess depressed is an emotion so in that respect he is far and away more "emotional"! Brosnan a disaster and Craig brings back "gravitas"? How?!?! The way he mopes around like a depressed basset hound? What a joke!!!!!! I'd laugh if it wasn't so sickening.

Craig brought gravitas to the role all right, if one's meaning of gravitas is Bond traipsing around as an emasculated wimp and then dying to express all his bottled up homosexual angst to Raoul Silva. That poster at the looney tune MI6 forum is a whack job. These types are maniacal in their fanaticism for Craig and the reboot, flaunting the kind of herd mentality you'd find in a frat house, ultimately no different than those whack jobs you'd see in costume lined up to see a midnight showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Conform or be cast out, as the Rush song goes. So they're moving through the world peddling their vision of the series, serving as useful idiots for Eon. There was a looney tune here, Trolley dude or whatever he was called. That one had all the markings of a useful idiot but had his own agenda, revealing he was struggling with his own gayness or whatever they call it these days. That takes us to another aspect of the fanaticism. The PC brigade hi-jacked it. The fandom is a bizarre platform for their PC agenda. I noticed another useful idiot stating that Spectre didn't do so well as Skyfall because Eon didn't go deeper with the homoerotic stuff they were starting to reveal in Craig's Bond in Skyfall. Man, in my younger days, I saw a Connery Bond film as pure entertainment, seeing a red-blooded action hero on screen who plowed through women and there was none of this PC crap poisoning the series.

Great rant, Benny. As usual, very insightful.

[dirtybenny]

Thank you all for the compliments! It's nice to know these rants are enjoyed!

Great rant once again, Benny. Yes, that scene is like something you would see in those films about alcoholism such as The Lost Weekend. You would figure that Craig's Bond would be more cautious after his near death in Casino Royale when his drink was poisoned.

Great point Saint, he's been poisoned once you'd think he'd use more caution! Considering the rat problem, it could have been placed there to control them.

Man, in my younger days, I saw a Connery Bond film as pure entertainment, seeing a red-blooded action hero on screen who plowed through women and there was none of this PC crap poisoning the series.

Great rant, Benny. As usual, very insightful.

It's funny how the PC crowd has deemed it necessary to wipe away all the fantasy from Bond. Babzy the feminist, seems to have forgotten that women have fantasies too, which is ironic, as it was her perverse fantasy that foisted Craig on the unsuspecting public in the first place!

[carl stromberg]

Daniel Craig's one glum face he does is his trademark "piercing stare" according to this article.

http://www.mirror.co.uk/3am/celebrity-n ... re-7525551

Apparently this is a picture of him when he was younger and "baby faced".

[Kristatos]

He calls it Le Tigre

[dirtybenny]

Daniel Craig's one glum face he does is his trademark "piercing stare" according to this article.

http://www.mirror.co.uk/3am/celebrity-n ... re-7525551

Apparently this is a picture of him when he was younger and "baby faced".

Baby Faced?!?! I suppose crocodiles have babies too! I mean come on between the baggy eyes and bad skin, he looks like Edward James Olmos. You can definitely see where he has been "smoothed out" since that pic was snapped by comparing the then and now photos. Also he was 36 in that shot hardly a "baby".

As for his "stare" the author wouldn't know a "sultry stare" if it looked at him with it's "piercing blue eyes"! Also the author calls his make over for Bond as "rough and ready". Huh? How does one who looks like a homeless person get signed to play Bond, then get made to look MORE rough?

[dirtybenny]

Special Feature Rant: The Spectre Introspection: part 11: “The Last Train to Drecksville”


Now begins the homage to the Connery era portion of our program. Interior Orient Express, (or a cheap approximation of it) Craig hands off his white dinner jacket (wink) to a porter asking to have it pressed. I’m amazed to find Moroccan desert trains to nowhere have full service valets, whereas if you asked for valet service on an Amtrak train here in the States you’d be told to go park your own car! Craig reaches the door to their cabin and knocks 3 times before entering, (wink) which is ridiculous because the front of the cabin is one large window, Swann can see out to the next county let alone who’s approaching the cabin!

Craig places a large pistol on the desk between them and breathlessly says “Pick it up”, Swann replies “I hate guns”. Craig continues “I promised him I’d protect you” This again! You’re still clinging to your empty promise to protect a terrorist’s daughter? You’ve proven time and time again you have no regard for your oath to the crown, why are you so dedicated to this crumb? If you want to protect her fine, do it because you want her to live, not this labored "promise"!

Craig continues with his rudimentary firearms instruction, during which Swann repeats she hates guns. At this point Craig sets a loaded firearm in front of a novice and tells her to “Try it”. Please shoot him, please shoot him! After a pregnant pause, she picks up the gun and removes the magazine, racks the slide ejecting the live round from the chamber and squeezes the trigger while pointing the gun straight up, in that old trope where the supposed amateur proves their expertise through demonstration. (Clumsily I might add) (Wink to GE where Natalia did the same thing in the elevator)

Craig realizes through this awkward demonstration that Swann is some sort of weapons expert, when all she proved is she saw an action movie once. She goes on to dramatically explain how a man came to kill her father when she was a child and she in turn shot the assassin. Yawn.

Cut to a London restaurant where M is finishing his meal. He is disturbed by Q and MP who recap the story so far, M states that they cannot help Craig as they would be more of a liability than assistance. M says “C is watching everything we do, we’d only be handing them more information.” Huh? Handing who, Her Majesty’s government? While the C character screams “corrupt double agent” they have not established that yet. This should be the perfect opportunity to prove the 00 section is viable, that is unless C is a double agent, but as I said nobody should know that yet!

Cut to the dining car of the “Orient Express”, Craig sits there in his GF dinner jacket, complete with red carnation, (wink) looking pasty as ever, when Swann enters in a satin gown that looks remarkably like the nighty she wore in Tangiers. This is all rather comical as their clothing suggests a grand ball, but they are only one of three couples in a dining car on a Moroccan desert train. Why bother? She reaches the table and says “You shouldn’t stare” Craig replies “You shouldn’t look like that.” Ugh, suddenly I’m in Iowa, as I’m surrounded by corn! I mean really, you had 4 writers work on this “film” for the better part of 3 years and that’s the best you could do! Craig offers her an aperitif to which she says “I don’t know, they get me in to trouble, make me do crazy things”, you mean like go to bed in one outfit and wake up in another, such as you did after a glass of wine in the last scene?

She orders a "dirty martini”, to which Craig says “Make that two”, so much for Fleming’s Bond! The man who “…takes a great deal of pleasure in what I eat and drink”. Bond didn’t just knock back “Whatever she’s having”, he would have specified “Medium dry vodka martini, shaken until ice cold and add a thick slice of lemon peel”. This over time has been shortened to “Shaken not stirred”, but you get the point, he’s not swilling dirty martinis or cosmos or whatever, especially as they established last scene this is a suicide mission, very well making this his last drink.

Swann asks, “Given every other possible option why would one choose the life of a paid assassin?” Here we go again! That old assassin rubbish! (See my earlier take on this B.S.) This exceptionally stilted dialogue meanders in to themes of free will and choice, suggesting Craig is unhappy with his life choices. When James bloody Bond is unhappy with where life has taken him, you’ve really jumped the nihilism shark! Every boy’s fantasy is a “sad”, “lonely”, “pathetic”, “loser”? Really?!?! I’m sorry; the next sound you hear will be the cocking of a pistol and a self-inflicted gunshot, because apparently life is not worth living anymore! At least according to Babzy, Mendes, and EON. I believe it was Nostradamus who famously said “When James Bond dislikes living like James Bond, the seventh seal has been broken and the end is nigh!”

Swann goes on about choice, and how he has the choice to end his career. Again most men would give their eye teeth to be Bond, the ultimate fantasy come to life, and they act like he has cancer! Besides all this existentialism is moot as Craig’s Bond has already quit, TWICE! Once in the last film! Throughout this cut rate pop-psych 101 lesson Swann begins to soften on Craig, I guess finding a secret room, talking ballistics, and discussing existential nihilism can have that effect on women, I should know I met my wife the same way!

Suddenly through all this tender emptiness Hinx comes crashing up from behind. I guess Swann was too lost in Craig’s baggy eyes to notice a 6’4” 300 pound man come charging down the aisle. They become embroiled in combat on the “Orient Express” (wink) which is now deserted. They crash around the dining car and in to the next, through the kitchen, then finally to the baggage car. Throughout the fight there is no sense of danger. Obviously Hinx is meant as an interpretation of the henchmen of old, Oddjob, Jaws, and Red Grant, but whereas those men exuded menace, and gave a feeling of impending danger, that sensation is lost here. Poor film making and Bourne style shaky cam aside, I think a lot of this has to do with the size of the men involved. Dave Bautista is head and shoulders taller than Craig (literally) however this was never established, as the men never stood near each other, so when they roll around in a series of quick, shaky jump cuts, filmed at low angles, all you see is their girth. Craig being ominous henchman sized himself detracts from the sense of doom one should feel in this sort of fight.

Compare this to the fight with Oddjob, he was much shorter than Connery but his girth gave him an aura of invincibility. Jaws was a gigantic man even compared to Moore’s 6’ 2” frame. Just look at the scene in TSWLM where Jaws picks up Moore and holds him above his head, his hand is massive, covering Moore’s entire face! Even Red Grant on whom this scene is shamelessly ripping off had a sense of imposition, despite Shaw and Connery being evenly sized. This fight is just another example of how far Mendes is out of his depth.

As Hinx is about to toss Craig off the train like the bad rubbish that he is, Swann the “weapons expert” crashes in and despite having the element of surprise and close range, shoots Hinx in the shoulder, hardly phased he runs behind some crates, where he pushes them on top of her. Hinx jumps out after them and grabs her by the throat, and begins to choke her, when Craig pops up and wraps a rope around Hinx’s neck. In the struggle a metal beer keg gets knocked off the train, (Probably full that fine Heineken™ nectar!) another soon follows, as it, and those beside are chained together, another falls (I think you can see where this is going.) Hinx who comically still has this rope around his neck all this time, realizes what is going on, then says his one line, “s**t” before being dragged out himself. Oh fun!

Swann turns to Craig and asks “What do we do now?” Cut to Craig and Swann crashing through the door of their cabin locked in each other’s arms “passionately” kissing. I suppose killing a man is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Craig gropes at her like a post pubescent getting lucky for the first time after prom; watching him, you’d think this guy never touched a woman before. As Swann tears his clothes off he smooths back her hair and kisses her, I suppose the auteur felt this particularly passionate, as he has Craig do this twice.

Well, so much for all that rubbish M spouted off earlier about not being able to help Craig! Hinx found him with no problem! Not only do they know he is coming, laughably, as we’ll see in the next installment, Craig will be counting on it! Sending in the Royal Marines wouldn’t hurt!