Dirty Benny's Weekly Rant

[commander0077again]

Hah, I must be one of the few hold outs in Bondland, not having seen Splacktre. Just went on youtube and the dead parade. Was already laffing with Craggs in the crowd. It must be a talent that he can scowl even with a mask on. From there, we see sausage pants frowning his way on the parapet, when a real Bond would be having more fun, a glint in his eye. Remember OHMSS book, after Bond chases Tracy in the opening chapter: "By God, it had been fun!" As for DB being a mechanic in the royal navy, perhaps you know where some Amherst-Villiers superchargers can be found?"

[The Saint 007]

It must be a talent that he can scowl even with a mask on. From there, we see sausage pants frowning his way on the parapet, when a real Bond would be having more fun, a glint in his eye.

Your comment reminded me of this picture that was recently posted here in another thread:

[dirtybenny]

It must be a talent that he can scowl even with a mask on. From there, we see sausage pants frowning his way on the parapet, when a real Bond would be having more fun, a glint in his eye.

Your comment reminded me of this picture that was recently posted here in another thread:

Love it!!! Both the comment and the picture define Craig's Bond to a T!


Amherst-Villiers superchargers? Believe me old boy if I knew where to find one it'd be on the car!

[Veronica]

It must be a talent that he can scowl even with a mask on. From there, we see sausage pants frowning his way on the parapet, when a real Bond would be having more fun, a glint in his eye.

Your comment reminded me of this picture that was recently posted here in another thread:

That's another thing that simply doesn't stack with cinematic or Fleming's Bond. Both Bond of the books and movies enjoyed finer things in life.
Bond "took pleasure in great beauty"(to quote the man himself) so once again we have to conclude this miserable guy simply isn't Bond. Not the cinematic one,not the Fleming one. No matter how many times Barbara says he is the spitting image of Fleming's creation. Unfortionately the PR worth 456 billion dollars made that move actually successful.

[Omega]

It must be a talent that he can scowl even with a mask on. From there, we see sausage pants frowning his way on the parapet, when a real Bond would be having more fun, a glint in his eye.

Your comment reminded me of this picture that was recently posted here in another thread:

that's a perfect example. Dalton got a lot of crap for being too serious, but even at his most serious he was a barrel of laughs compared to misery bond.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[dirtybenny]

Special Feature Rant: The Spectre Introspection: part 6: A Meeting of the Mindless.



When we las t saw out hero he was leaving the doomed widow Sciarra to certain death. As I pointed out she will have quite a Rubicon to cross in order to reach Craig’s friend “Felix”. First as had been established in previous films CIA Agents are not to be trusted, second once it’s been realized Luigi and Vito have not come back from their task for the obligatory post assassination round of high fives back at the clubhouse, others will be along to finish the job, and finally considering the fact Blowby and his crew have their fingers on the zoom button of every camera in the world she will not be difficult to find even if she does reach Felix.

Anyway enough about the “gripping” “genre changing characterization” of a “Bond Woman” that Monica Bellucci established in a three minute performance.

We find Craig winding his way towards the top secret meeting location of the reclusive Spectre organization. Where does this mysterious organization no one has ever heard of meet? A long abandoned subterranean cavern once used by the illuminati to plot the assassinations of Emperors? A secluded villa, far off the beaten path where Mafia Godfathers once wielded their power behind the throne? No! It’s the dead center of town, blocks from the Vatican. Sure SPECTRE H.Q. was only a few blocks from the Eifel Tower in Thunderball, but at least it had the decency of being hidden behind a legitimate front, a refuge aid agency. This may as well be a rented Elks Lodge in St. Paul Minnesota, used on weekends by budget weary newlyweds to state their nuptials. But, unlike that Elks Lodge the security is atrocious.

Craig, bandy legged as ever, approaches 4 surly looking old men straight out of Central Casting’s “Mafia Types” call book. I half expected to see James Gandolfini’s ghost whispering in Vincent Pastore’s ear in the background. (Fans of the Sopranos know what I'm talking about) The biggest, meatiest, most stereotypical guard approaches and says, “Hey, asshole who are you, identify yourself”. Now those of you who read the script know where this is going, we’re about to hear a line that is sure to brand itself upon the Bond lexicon for decades! Craig responds… Wait for it… “I’m Mickey Mouse, who are you”. HA, HA, HA, oh give me a minute; let me wipe away the tears of mirth welling up on my cheeks! Oh, oh, OK, that’s better, ohhhh. Wow ha-ha that was ha-ha… AWFUL! But oh so apropos, from the Mickey Mouse writing, to the Mickey Mouse directing, to the Mickey Mouse acting, to the Mickey Mouse producing, this has been one hell of a Mickey Mouse production! Look if you’re going to go this far and include such a ridiculously poor gag in a Bond film at least have the decency to have him reply “Mouse, Mickey Mouse”!

Craig shows Meaty the one ring and like Gollum he shirks back in reverence kowtowing to allow Craig to pass. Meaty gives his toady a nod who quickly dials his cell phone. So I guess they already knew exactly who he was and what he was doing there, and they didn’t even need Miss Solitaire to tell them! Craig makes his way up several flites of stairs to the crowded balcony overlooking the large conference table below, where “gritty”, “dark”, and “realistic” versions of Austin Powers characters (Frau Farbissina is most definitely present!) are discussing financial schemes, including a certain “surveillance initiative” sure to have greater implications later on. Craig makes his way around the crowds of statuesque onlookers upon the balcony, with nary a second glance, despite everyone else literally frozen in place, the fact that Craig is bouncing from parapet to parapet to eavesdrop doesn’t even merit a shrug from the other participants.

Suddenly everyone stops and rises to their feet, as finally the big man arrives, and I say that in jest as Waltz is the shortest thing in there. He sits, everyone continues to stand, he looks back to one of his underlings, the minion lurches forth, Waltz whispers to him, the flunky moves a microphone closer to Waltz, an excruciatingly pregnant pause later and Waltz whispers in to the microphone “Don’t let me interrupt you” OH! Comedy gold where have you been all my life! After an unnecessary pause to allow all of the uncontrollable laughter in the audience die down, a different flunky explains Sciarra had one last outstanding duty to perform, the elimination of the “Pale King” oooooh very mysterious! And now the group needs to find a worthy ring bearer to climb mount Mordor to destroy him, oops wrong film. One man rises from the opposite end of the table to deliver a 3 paragraph masturbatory monologue full of self-congratulation entirely in Italian, requiring the viewer to read it all! It’s not just here, but this film is loaded with subtitles. Nothing against literature, but if I wanted to ingest this much written word while enjoying James Bond, I’d pick up a Fleming novel!

As Signore Blabs-a-lot comes to his conclusion Spectre #2 asks if any would challenge for the coveted position of becoming the “Pale King’s” executioner. In walks “Mr. Hinx”, he saunters up to the table where he is asked to “state his credentials to succeed Sciarra” Hinx does so by slamming Blabby’s head to the table and gouging out his eyes before breaking his neck. So I guess SPECTRE runs on “pirate king rules” which state if you kill the captain you become the captain. Which causes me to question how anyone is able to hold his/her position for very long especially tiny little bulb headed Waltz who could be stepped on like cockroach by a 8 year old. Hinx uses silver tipped thumbnails to accomplish his gruesome task, I suppose this is some misguided nod to Odd Job’s hat, or Jaw’s teeth, however unlike those memorable genre defining devices these nails are never seen again until the train fight nearly an hour later (Yes folks we have more than an hour of film time left, and then we’ll have another 30 minutes after that!) when he brings them to within a yard of Craig’s face before getting distracted. On top of the fact this gimmick is hardly used, it’s pretty weak. I mean sharpened thumbnails? So now a bad manicure qualifies you for star henchman status?

Hinx wipes the blood from his thumbs and takes the dead man’s seat. Waltz effeminately hisses how “all that excitement in Mexico rang a distant bell, and now it all makes perfect sense, welllcome Jamesssss.” Waltz continues “it’s been a long time, but finally here we are, what took you so long?” OK, so we all know Waltz’s Oberhauser character is really Blofeld, we knew it long before the script was even leaked, furthermore we know Blofeld has been retconned into Bond’s foster brother, and as we’ll see later that relationship lasted little over a year. I state all that to ask, how the F does that ring any bells, distant or otherwise? Was Craig out subverting evil plots at 13 years old? Did he establish early on a particular penchant for crashing helicopters? What the hell lead you to believe the possibility that Craig was the one behind that incident? After this soliloquy Waltz looks up and intones “Cuckoo!” directly at Craig. WTF!!!!!! IS THAT!!!! Yeah I must be cuckoo for watching this crap! The Producers, director, writers, and cast must be cuckoo for thinking any of this B.S. was a good idea for a film let alone a Bond film!

With that Craig bursts out a large window jumps off a second story balcony and sprints to his car unscathed, just like in real life, since we’re being so realistic now, and so starts the “big chase scene”.

[Veronica]

Wait,that Mickey Mouse line is really in the movie? And Mendes and co talk about how serious and deep these movies are...comical.

[The Saint 007]

Having watched Spectre fully on YouTube about a couple of weeks ago, I'm glad to see your rants are back again, Benny. I can understand why some compare Spectre to Quantum Of Solace, it's just a dull half-a$$ed mess of a film.

Despite trying to be more like a traditional Bond film, it still comes off as a bad Bond imitator. As for the humour in Spectre, it frustrates me whenever I see people bashing the Moore era rather than the filmmakers. Craig couldn't handle the humour if Moore was his instructor, and Barbara and her team can't seem to make a fun traditional Bond adventure that provides even the slightest bit of enjoyment as the classics. I think the only time I actually laughed was when Craig was observing the Aston Martin's gadget control that looks like it was made for an Ed Wood type film. Yes, I was aware of the scene before watching, but when you actually see it in action with Craig trying to look all cool wearing his shades, and the crap control prop with labelling tape that appears to be stuck on with spit, it's still funny.

Craig's reaction to the "Cuckoo" line looks like he realizes he's in another crappy Bond film and then quickly tries to escape. Looking forward to your next rant on the car ad, uh, I mean car chase.

[dirtybenny]

Yeah Saint, I know there are those for whom the Moore era isn't their cup of tea, but even his biggest detractors can't disagree that when it came to a "fun" Bond nobody did it better. (Sorry couldn't resist) Since DAD the film makers have fallen into a lazy routine of melodramatic plot line replete with cheap "homages" to far superior originals. (Both Bond and whatever else is currently in the pop culture zeitgeist.) Originality escapes them, just throw a ton of cash at a bad idea and it will all work out in the end.

[Veronica]

Yeah Saint, I know there are those for whom the Moore era isn't their cup of tea, but even his biggest detractors can't disagree that when it came to a "fun" Bond nobody did it better. (Sorry couldn't resist) Since DAD the film makers have fallen into a lazy routine of melodramatic plot line replete with cheap "homages" to far superior originals. (Both Bond and whatever else is currently in the pop culture zeitgeist.) Originality escapes them, just throw a ton of cash at a bad idea and it will all work out in the end.

Even though Brosnan will always be my favourite because he is the one that introduced me to Bond
and Connery is,well,Connery when it comes to certain things nobody did it better than Moore.
But I guess the biggest sin you can commit these days is if you make people laugh instead of leaving them depressed. And the last thing you can say for this reboot is originality. They copy other things from other movies and in the last two movies copy thinga from classic Bonds. It's even more laughable when you see how Mendes plays "visionary director" of the series...pathetic.

[dirtybenny]

Special Feature Rant: The Spectre Introspection: part 7: “The Car Chase” Brought to you by Aston Martin™.

Having just crashed through a large window and leaped off a second story balcony, Craig sprints head long to his DB10, to the sounds of the NFL Film’s sound track, don’t believe me? Listen.

[BBvideo 425,350]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yprqSr1-v3o[/BBvideo]

Now compare that to this clip the video quality is lacking but just close your eyes and listen to the music.

[BBvideo 425,350]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8hwwfrFubc[/BBvideo]

Craig squeals out of the parking lot and out in to the night followed closely by Mr. Hinx. Now I am in no way inferring Dave Bautista is in bad shape, but I really don’t think sprinting is his mete. I’m having a hard time believing this large battle tank of a man was able to get up from his chair make his way out of the conference room, on to the street, and in to his car, in the amount of time it took Craig to fling himself in to his. In reality Craig would have been long gone by the time Hinx lumbered his way to his Jag living him asking…

[BBvideo 425,350]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bs-Q0JmWjj0[/BBvideo]

But of course for all the talk reality has never been Craig’s forte.


Let’s take a moment and address the much ballyhooed DB10. I’m sorry but that car is just plain fugly, it looks like the worst parts of a Corvette, Jag F-type, and a shark had a baby then beat that baby with an ugly stick, permanently disfiguring it. But that’s just me.

It’s quite obvious Mendes isn’t an action director. The whole “chase” consists of low angle shots of the two cars breaking the rear end loose while bending corners, in what feels like low speed practice for an auto advert. I was half expecting a voice over to extol the “Fine luxury appointments”, “High end performance”, and rattle off the horsepower specs.

“Aston Martin, when only the finest get away will do.”

Or…

“Jaguar, it’s good to be bad.”

So Craig and Hinx tear their way around the vacant streets of Rome (This and the empty tube train from SF seem to establish a pattern for Mendes), Craigers glances at his poorly made gadget switches. I really can’t believe that’s the best they could do! Those things are so cheap they would have been laughed off the screen in 1964 had they dared to put them in Connery’s DB5, let alone in this digital age! They could have set a tablet on the seat next to him with an animation bodged together in 10 minutes and it would have come across less cheap! Craig flicks the toggle poorly labeled “Backfire”, prompting two barrels to protrude from the license plate and a set of crosshairs appear in the rearview. But alas! Q hadn’t got around to loading it yet! Wah, wah! We know this because an equally cheap digital display that has also been pop riveted to the dash board tells us so! Craig says “You’ve got to be kidding me!” Funny old boy I was just thinking the exact same thing!

Craig and Hinx slowly slide around a few more corners before Craig toggles “Atmosphere” The display says “Music for 009” and New York, New York starts playing, oh fun! See Craig movies can be light hearted! Craig launches off a curb and decapitates an economy sedan, without nary a scratch to his body work. Inexplicably Craig suddenly pulls away from old Hinxy to which he gives a self-satisfied smirk, when a little Fiat pulls in front of him on the narrow road! Wah, wah! Craig slams on the breaks allowing Hinx to catch him up, Craig honks his horn and swerves in an attempt to pass but the portly old man in the Fiat is oblivious, as he’s listening to opera at full volume! Craig having had enough of this, runs up the rear of the Fiat pushing it faster and faster, going from 30 miles per hour (Which is funny because the whole chase feels like it was filmed at 30!) to a high of 77mph (Which still felt like 30) before depositing the old man’s Fiat safely in to a parking space at the end of the road! Where once he comes to a complete stop the air bag fires off! Wah, wah! A cute little scene, but whereas Sir Roger and Cubby would have pulled that off with aplomb, it fells all so forced and obligatory here, as if the production crew were making it under duress, “Give this chase some old school fun, add a fat old man in a Fiat, or you’ll never see your family again!” Craig’s no help ether, Sir Rog, would have delivered it all with a classy raised eyebrow and a sense of irony, but Craig is just so stone faced, almost annoyed with it all, as he is in all his scenes. Look you can’t make a film that’s purports to be fun and a little ironic like those of old, and then act in it as if you’re shooting a Swedish crime drama!

Craig suddenly remembers Moneypenny exists and rings her up on his cell phone, I suppose to tell her how rich the Corinthian leather in the Aston is, and this is where the car commercial vibe gets turned up to 11. Craig calmly tells MP how 3 different terrorist attacks are all linked while tootling along one hand on the steering wheel as if he’s out for a country drive. “By the way Moneypenny, the Aston Martin DB10 has an engine that delivers 500 horsepower, and has the option for a manual or automatic transmission.”

Craig and MP share some witty banter when Craig hears MP’s nighttime companion speaking in the background, MP tells him he should get a life. I’m sorry, but I don’t see Craig’s Bond as the overly dedicated, nose to the grindstone, consummate professional he’s accused of being by Babzy and Co. In 4 films he’s quit twice, been disavowed twice, disobeyed orders a half a dozen times, and got his boss killed, hardly the stellar resume of a dedicated employee.

MP tells Craig the “Pale King” is Mr. White! From his first two movies! How she was able to glean all that information with her lap top is amazing! She also knows where he’s hiding and how long he’s been hiding there! Let’s not forget this is a man in hiding, not just from MI6 but his own organization! Here’s a guy who escaped MI6 custody, who is the key to a whole terrorist organization, who have people everywhere, including the highest echelons of MI6, you know where he’s been the last 4 months and you haven’t gone to get him?

Craig asks MP to run Hanzy’s name through the super computer, all while sliding around the streets of Rome with a goon on his back. Craig turns a corner and power slides in front of Saint Peter’s Basilica, so I have to wonder what’s in store for the next film, will he do a burn out next to the Western Wall in Jerusalem? Spin some doughnuts around the Kaaba in Mecca?

Suddenly the phone call with MP is cast aside, a few more yawn inducing, slow speed slides around a few more corners and Craig finds himself driving alongside the river Tiber, Hinx in tow. Did I mention Hinx was driving a Jaguar just like Zao in DAD, funny how many references this film makes to that much maligned picture. Speaking of DAD, it’s ironic how we go from a gadget car that became a punchline for being too aspirational, to one that’s a joke for the exact opposite reason. Craig runs up and down the river embankment unable to put any distance between him and Hinx despite the fact he did so with such ease before the Fiat incident, what changed in the interim? I know! He’s become more traffic safety conscious!

Craig reaches for the cheap toggles again this time flicking “Exhaust” causing flame to shoot out the back, and on to Hinx’s Jag. So now Hinx is awash in fire, blinded by the blaze, Craig reaches for the final switch labeled “Air”, the steering wheel retracts, a seat belt buckles itself around the craggy one, the sunroof opens, and Craig pops the eject button on the shift lever, shooting him skyward. The empty DB10 careens off an incomprehensibly placed stack of blocks which somehow formed a smooth ramp aimed out into the middle of the Tiber where the ill-fated auto lands. Hinx pulls up, car still smoldering but somehow undamaged, and witnesses the car sink, assuming Craig’s still inside. Cut to the now teeming streets where a pair of shoes come sailing down from the heavens, and attached to those shoes is a pasty, stony faced, flaxen haired dwarf. Craig slaps the clasp of his parachute, disengaging it as it wafts to the ground next to a street sweeper and his bin, oh how classy, he practices recycling!

[The Saint 007]

I think I've seen better car chases in Bond parodies/imitators than this. The chase was so lackluster, it almost seems like the filmmakers ran out of money. I sort of feel sorry for Dave Bautista, because he could have been a better henchman if he wasn't so misused.

As for the Die Another Day references, Ian Dunross has said that the more people despise it, the more the filmmakers keep inserting elements from it into the new films. But while I don't care too much for Die Another Day, the car chase between Bond and Zao I think is far better executed than with Spectre's Bond and Hinx.

[Kristatos]

Bring back Vic Armstrong!

[dirtybenny]

As for the Die Another Day references, Ian Dunross has said that the more people despise it, the more the filmmakers keep inserting elements from it into the new films.

I partially agree with Dunross' statement, Dunross says "...people despise it..." People didn't despise it, nor would they now were it not for EON's marketing campaign from CR onward. Where every chance they get they make sure to point out how terrible things were before their magnificent reboot. A more accurate statement is; The more EON despises it, the more they keep inserting elements from it to the new films. I agree DAD is a flawed film, but I highly doubt it would draw as much ire were it not for EON's self sabotage campaign stirring up the lemmings.

Bring back Vic Armstrong!

Vic Armstrong? At this point I'd settle for Ricky Bobby!

[Veronica]

As for the Die Another Day references, Ian Dunross has said that the more people despise it, the more the filmmakers keep inserting elements from it into the new films.

I partially agree with Dunross' statement, Dunross says "...people despise it..." People didn't despise it, nor would they now were it not for EON's marketing campaign from CR onward. Where every chance they get they make sure to point out how terrible things were before their magnificent reboot. A more accurate statement is; The more EON despises it, the more they keep inserting elements from it to the new films. I agree DAD is a flawed film, but I highly doubt it would draw as much ire were it not for EON's self sabotage campaign stirring up the lemmings.

Bring back Vic Armstrong!

Vic Armstrong? At this point I'd settle for Ricky Bobby!

And that part where Waltz explains how he faked his own death and took his mother's maiden name Blowfeld. ah,so he dies to fight another day under the guise of a new persona. Sounds familiar? I mean really,they claim this reboot is all dark gritty and serious and most of all the biggest masterpiece since Casablanca but then they borrow elements from parody series and,so they claim,a movie so terrible it ruined 40 years of history in two hours!
Did anyone tell Barbara that a plot in SP is strikingly similar to the one in Austin Powers?

[commander0077again]

It must be a talent that he can scowl even with a mask on. From there, we see sausage pants frowning his way on the parapet, when a real Bond would be having more fun, a glint in his eye.

Your comment reminded me of this picture that was recently posted here in another thread:

that's a perfect example. Dalton got a lot of crap for being too serious, but even at his most serious he was a barrel of laughs compared to misery bond.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

A bit late to the party, but just have to say am going to paste this on my wall next to Pasty Face (you know the scowl, you know he's numberless)....

[dirtybenny]

Special Feature Rant: The Spectre Introspection: part 8: “P.E.R.V.E.R.T.S Unite!”


As Craig wafts to the ground and minces away, MP knocks out a quick Google search from her kitchen table, for Hannes and Franz Oberhauser. Ironically she finds this:



Rather than this:



Is it me or does Oberhauser Sr. look like a Photoshop creation, like a computer drawing of someone who never existed? If so why? Did EON not want to pay royalties to an actor to use their likeness? ANd why is it the only photo of him appears to be a mugshot?

Cut to “C”, addressing what I called the “Pan-European Recognizance Video Eavesdropping Recording Tele-monitoring Symposium” (P.E.R.V.E.R.T.S.) in the unofficial novel. Somehow I feel the title still fits.

C’s droning on about the need for more surveillance, how critical “Nine Eyes” is and how imperative it is for them to join. In the midst of this dissertation, Tanner spots a news story about a “Street race gone wrong” featuring a photo of Craig’s DB10 being fished out of the river. (Chuckle!)

M leans over to Tanner and makes a catty remark about C’s pet project being an unelected body. C concludes his Manifesto, and immediately the committee takes a vote, who says democracy is slow! The panelists cast their supposedly secret ballot on large screen displays located on their desks, allowing M to spot that South Africa is the lone decenter in the required unanimous election.

The chairman announces the vote has failed which prompts M to whisper “Democracy”. Tanner sends him a text from across the table asking if he was sure Craig was in London.

Allow me to sidebar and take a moment to address the fact that South Africa was the lone voice of reason. Why was that? Was North Korea unwilling to meet EON’s price for endorsement? South Africa, that bastion of freedom and good will. A country that until very recently practiced rampant racial segregation, self-loathing Americans love to point out our personal short comings in the arena of race relations, but we got nothing on South Africa! South Africa is a country where Africans are treated as second class citizens on their own continent! And these are the people being portrayed as champions of personal privacy?!

M jumps on the blower to Q, who is doing some late night tinkering in the lab (Now there is a guy who needs to get a life!) Q lies for Craig saying he’s in Chelsea, when in fact he’s in Austria looking for you know who!

Cut to a lone vehicle making it’s was up a twisty snow covered mountain road to the ominous sounds of the film’s score. “Austria” appears at the bottom of the screen, is that necessary Sammy? We were JUST told Craig was in Austria do we really NEED to be told again what country he’s in, not to mention just minutes ago in the Aston Martin commercial, err I mean chase scene, the plot was advanced when MP told Craig where Mr. White, aka the Pale King, aka cheap plot devise was hiding. What is with Mendes’ incessant need to label every location?

Smash cut to a lone figure standing in a dingy crossing a fog covered lake, like Washington on the Delaware. It’s Craig looking ridiculous and craggy in a form fitting snow outfit complete with knit cap! Craig makes his way to a rustic yet opulent cabin on the bank of the lake. He’s such an accomplished “Bad Ass” he fumbles with his PPK before entering. The interior of the cabin is dark (Of course it is this is a Craig film) abandoned and a shambles. Craig swipes his gloved hand across the arm of a chair and inspects the dust deposited upon his fingers. I don’t know Craig, I think the copious amount of cob webs and funk should have told you the cleaning lady was sacked long ago, the white glove test was quite unnecessary. Craig continues to the kitchen accompanied by creepy mood music when, BOO! Crows come flying around the corner, this film sure is taking me on an emotional roller coaster!

The crows leave in a crescendo of cackling laughter, probably directed at Craig’s hat. Craig spots a surveillance camera complete with red “on” light. He moves down the hall where Craig spots some light coming from the floor under a mirror, classic hidden door giveaway; good thing MI6 training includes watching every Scooby Doo ever! Craig finds the secret latch and pops open the door, leading down a stairway to none other than the Pale King himself! seated in front of a bank of T.V.s and camera monitors. White was unprepared to meet him, no weapon, not even on his feet, or facing the door, what’s the point of all the security if you’re not even going to bother to defend yourself? White says “Make it quick” Craig replies “on your feet”.

Craig and White make their way to a table where the men sit opposite each other at a dusty chessboard, OH THE SYMBOLISM! White looking like he’s been lost on a desert isle for decades says “I always knew death would wear a familiar face, but not yours.” Which is ironic as Craig’s pasty, stark white pallor looks like death incarnate. Craig informs White SPECTRE is looking to kill him, which shouldn’t come as a surprise to White as he’s in such deep hiding for just that reason. White tells Craig he found “Thallium” in his phone, which I assume is some sort of radioactive substance, which is killing him. So SPECTRE is such a thorough organization, they poison a man by sabotaging his cell phone then send an assassin to find and murder him? Throughout this exchange the men slide the mystical SPECTRE ring back and forth across the dusty chessboard, I refer you to my capitalized comment above.

Craig asks what White did to incur the ire of Blowy, White says he disobeyed him; He “Followed him as far as he could, but he (Blofeld) changed”. He changed how? Did he go from an unhinged, psychotic, sociopath bent on world domination, to a slightly more unhinged, psychotic, sociopath bent on world domination? And I guess that was just a little too much for you eh, Whitey?

Craig asks White where Blowers is and White tells him “He’s EVERYWHERE! Sitting at your desk, kissing your lover, eating with your family!” How existential! So Craig’s trying to find Blofeld? Why not kill another one of his henchmen and attend the funeral? Call Felix and have the widow Sciarra tell you when the next meeting is since she seems to know all this stuff? Craig comes to the realization White is protecting someone, how I don’t know.

Craig further deduces that someone is White’s daughter. White states “You won’t find her, she’s smarter than me, she’s cleaver, she knows how to hide!” we’ll see just what a laugh that statement is later. Craig gives his word to protect the daughter, to which White laughs “Your word, the word of an assassin?”

Let me sidebar here for a moment. Ever since CR EON has been pushing this “Bond is an assassin” B.S. I don’t know about you but I never saw Bond as an assassin, he killed men in the line of duty sure, but never as a matter of course, his orders never were “Go kill Mr. X”. Bond has always been an investigator, Com. Strangways goes missing Bond is sent to investigate, nuclear bombs are stolen Bond investigates, A submarine disappears Bond investigates, you get the picture. However since the reboot we’ve been constantly told Bond is some sort of cold calculating killer, despite never getting orders to assassinate, in fact Craig has never gotten orders of any kind, as he’s always found an excuse to go rogue.

Back to the plodding plot advancement. Craig produces his pistol and slides it across the chessboard to White. Stating “That’s my word.” (Check?) White picks it up awkwardly co**s it with both hands. (Being an accomplished assassin he knows the best way to ready a PPK is with the middle of his two thumbs) (Counter Check?) White points the pistol at Craig in what is supposed to be a tense dramatic move but falls well short of the mark. After an extremely pregnant pause White lowers the gun and says “L’American”, “She knows L’American, she can lead you to L’American”, “Try the Hoffler clinic”, and then delivers the line we’ve all been waiting for… “You’re a kite dancing in a hurricane Mr. Bond”, (Check Mate!) then shoots himself, I can sympathize, after watching that scene and hearing that corny line I wanted to shoot myself too. You’ll want to commit seppuku as well when I tell you we are one whole hour in and still have one and a half left to go, yes we have an entire QOS left in this movie!

Craig flinches when the shot is fired cuz he’s such a bad ass cold blooded assassin, picks up the one ring and his pistol, while closing the dead man’s eyes, what an exposition of the character’s duality! Craig rifles through White’s pockets looking for clues, to what I’m not sure, when he finds a poorly photo shopped, sepia tone picture of a little girl and a bearded man whom I assume is White, the photo quality is that bad I can’t tell who is supposed to be in it. (I’m starting to detect a theme here with the photographic special effects) Craig takes the photo and leaves, he takes the time to rifle through the man’s pockets, but doesn’t think to check the rest of the house, maybe that little command center where he found White in the first place? Maybe take the surveillance tapes? He’s going to wish he did a little later.

Cut to M and C in the new “Surveillance Center”, C telling M, how it’s all been funded by private “Benefactors”, since when do private entities fund government espionage agencies? M and C share some stilted dialogue about George Orwell and looking over everyone’s shoulder, before C plays a tape containing MP and Craig’s conversation which took place during the chase. Now correct me if I’m wrong but didn’t that conversation take place on the cell phone Craig gave MP before leaving so this precise thing wouldn’t happen? Was Craig so stupid as to not get a burner phone for himself and instead call her on his own? C makes a comment about M’s inability to control his agents (Burn!)

Cut back to Mr. White’s cabin in the woods where a man is skulking around his body, which is being devoured by the crows from earlier, its Mr. Hinx, come to accomplish his task, but finds he’s been beaten to it. Hinx spots the security camera and unlike Craig he’s smart enough to check the tape.

[Kristatos]

I don't remember Crebain from Dunland! being mentioned in the script.

[Veronica]

"You are a kite dancing in a hurricane,Mr.Bond."
Ah,one of those laughable,pretentious,"deep" lines placed in a film so critics would applaud it. Wouldn't be a Mendes film without them.

[The Saint 007]

You’ll want to commit seppuku as well when I tell you we are one whole hour in and still have one and a half left to go, yes we have an entire QOS left in this movie!

This is why I had to divide Spectre in three sections to view, because there's no way I could have watched this dull slower than molasses film in one sitting.

C makes a comment about M’s inability to control his agents (Burn!)

The whole issue of whether Bond/MI6 are still relevant in the modern world has been done to death by this point, and the incompetence of Bond/MI6 in the Craig era is getting more ridiculous with every film. There's a thread about the subject over at the Absolutely James Bond forum. You can check it out here if you would like. Some very good points are made about how poor the writing has been during this era.