Dirty Benny's Weekly Rant

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[dirtybenny]

A quick question for all my regular readers, I have several rant subjects brewing in my head, but I don't know if I did SP justice with my one rant. The question is, would you all rather I dissect Spectre in to several rants, or are you all ready to just move on and put this nightmare to bed? I'm not funny about it ether way.

I love your rants, so the more the merrier, I say.

Keep going

Thank you both very much, you are far too kind, you needn't worry, I'm not talking about quitting the rants, just should I spend time in the continuation of dissecting Spectre, or move on to more "general" topics.

[Capt. Sir Dominic Flandry]

Spectre has such as ridiculous movie that it provides limitless opportunities for a rant. So have lots of them.

[Veronica]

I'll say the same thing as Kristatos:The more the merrier.

[dirtybenny]

Special Feature Rant: The Spectre Introspection: part 1: P.T.S.D.* over the P.T.S.

I asked, you answered, so here is the first in a mulit part dissection of Spectre!


Ah the PTS (Pre Titles Sequence) that once enjoyable tradition of getting a sneak peek at Bond before the film begins in earnest. It used to consist of a small fun little vignette that had little to do with the plot but provided a nice little outlet for some OTT stunts or a bit of action the producers felt would be fun to watch but had no place in the film proper. Not so since the re-boot and this one is no different.

One thing the critics and sycophants are in agreement on is that this is one of, if not the best part of the movie. That isn’t saying much. As I said in my overview rant on this film the whole thing came off more masturbatory than masterful. You can tell Sammy Mendez really wanted this bit to stand out and I think this is where he put most of his energy and blew the bulk of the budget. I can picture the auteur seated behind the camera muttering to himself just as Ralphy Parker did while writing his Christmas theme in “A Christmas Story”

[BBvideo 425,350]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EEedFHxSVSI[/BBvideo]

“Awe man this is great, zoom in on the skeleton float!” “Yeah pan down to street level, this’ll knock their socks off, when the man dressed in white walks against the street traffic, how expositional!” “OK pan over to the couple dressed in costumes, and cue them to walk, the audience will never know what hit them!”

It continues like that as skeleton masked Craig and his companion enter a hotel and step aboard an elevator. She whispers in his ear on the way up, steps from the room, she begins giving him the sweet nothing treatment? How does that work? “Hey come up to my room for some sex!” as they reach the door “I’m gonna give you sex!” Yeah that was the implied agreement of “Come back to my place”.

Now I’m guessing (only due to retrospect, because the film doesn’t make it clear) Craig sweet talked this gal to get access to her room, because a master spy can’t pick a 90 year old lock? He couldn’t take the stairs to the roof and save this poor creature the disappointment of watching Craig strip out of his perfectly tailored skeleton costume to reveal a sausage casing sized suit beneath.

Any way Craig’s off to the roof to do his obligatory plot continuation, he reaches a low wall where he produces a small rifle fitted with a high power microphone (we later find out this mission is unauthorized, so how did he get this bit of high tech kit?) he over hears a plot to blow up a soccer (football, to the rest of the world) stadium, remember that, keep it fresh in your mind that this bomb is supposedly powerful enough to destroy an entire stadium. Bond being the capable and accomplished super spy that he is gets spotted immediately, and so a fire fight ensues.

Craig’s whole purpose on that ledge is to kill the man he was tracking, and what does he do you ask? Why of course he swings the gun right and shoots the man standing right next to his target! In the course of the gun battle Craig shoots the briefcase containing the STADIUM DESTROYING BOMB! Yes a bomb capable of felling an entire stadium fits in a standard businessman’s briefcase! What is this stadium? A vacant lot where children kick the ball around? But wait! This isn’t even why I asked you to note the bomb’s intended purpose! No, it is this, the explosion blows out all the windows of the apartment and moments later the wall falls over destroying the roof Craig is standing on. Yup a super bomb does less damage than a wrecking ball! Craig slips, slides, and falls his way to the ground floor where lo and behold Mr. Bad Guy exits the building! You know the building that just suffered a stadium destroying bomb blast. When the blast went off, old baddie couldn’t have been more than just down the hall when the concussion occurred. Yet here he is looking none the worse for wear!

So an earth shattering bomb has just destroyed a building, we hear a few sirens in the back ground but any sort of other response is quickly forgotten, as Craig chases the baddie down the street, yes no one noticed the loud boom, the copious amount of dust in the air, the concussive wave, or even the fact that 555 Poncho Villa Way isn’t there anymore! Oh well it is Mexico after all. The duo run head long through the parade we saw earlier while dozens of policemen stand stoically frozen on the side lines. So even if no one else heard, smelled or felt the explosion the cops have radios! They would have heard the broadcast from dispatch and you know reacted! OK the cops didn’t notice the blast and Mexico is too broke to afford radios, what about the fact two gringos are running right down the middle of the parade route?! If it’s that kind of party where the audience is free to participate why are there dozens of cops lining the street?!

A helicopter appears out of nowhere and swoops down to pick up Mr. Baddie. Somehow, someway the massive crowd parts to allow the chopper to land. As Mr. Baddie climbs aboard Craig grabs him to declare his intention in joining him airborne. The two fight in that Bourne style shaky cam we’ve all come to know and love, mostly to hide the fact it’s a Craig masked stuntman doing all the action. While fighting Craig punches the pilot a few times just on general purpose I guess, throwing Mr. Baddie out in the process, but not before stealing his ring which comes off remarkably easy! Craig puts the pilot in a choke hold and the call backs ah la DAD hit full stride! The pilot shoots a flare at Craig causing the copter to emit red smoke just like the PTS from AVTAK! The chopper goes to a climb straight up while lights; whistles and alarms go off very similar to the DC3 in QOS! Craig dumps the pilot much like FYEO, and takes control avoiding a crash just like the dreaded DAD! (More on that film in later installments)

Craig flies away and the titles start…



*P.T.S.D. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

[The Saint 007]

You can tell Sammy Mendez really wanted this bit to stand out and I think this is where he put most of his energy and blew the bulk of the budget. I can picture the auteur seated behind the camera muttering to himself just as Ralphy Parker did while writing his Christmas theme in “A Christmas Story”

“Awe man this is great, zoom in on the skeleton float!” “Yeah pan down to street level, this’ll knock their socks off, when the man dressed in white walks against the street traffic, how expositional!” “OK pan over to the couple dressed in costumes, and cue them to walk, the audience will never know what hit them!”

That's a perfect description of it. The old Bond films had some good cinematography that didn't come off as pretentious.

I hope you get around to doing a rant in regards to how Craig's Bond being more human/vulnerable is a load of crap, because Spectre further demonstrates this.

[Veronica]

Oh yeah,the whole "Craig is more human/emotional Bond" thing is ridiculous at the very least. I am feeling all the emotions with his one facial expression!

[The Saint 007]

Oh yeah,the whole "Craig is more human/emotional Bond" thing is ridiculous at the very least. I am feeling all the emotions with his one facial expression!

Not just that, but the occasions where he has superhuman strength like with the latest drill chair torture scene.

[Atticus]

You can tell Sammy Mendez really wanted this bit to stand out and I think this is where he put most of his energy and blew the bulk of the budget. I can picture the auteur seated behind the camera muttering to himself just as Ralphy Parker did while writing his Christmas theme in “A Christmas Story”

In this pre-titles sequence, I found the long swooping tracking shot distracting. It took the suspense away in what Mendes was trying to build up in those first few minutes.
I watched Dr. No the other night, and it struck me again how its editing was so innovative. The Terrence Young/Peter Hunt narrative style was so advanced for its time and it still feels so modern today.

[dirtybenny]

Special Feature Rant: The Spectre Introspection: part 2: The Writings on the Wall, Along With the Rest of Him!


The theme and titles, I think the theme of these titles was tentacle porn! (Say that three times fast, that’s a lot of T’s!) To tell you the truth the less said about the titles the better as they are truly disgusting! I had my eyes closed most of the time watching through my fingers like a terrified child who snuck in to a horror film. They come complete with a nude Craig getting fondled by many hands and a woman in full delectation with a black oily cephalopod. It all comes off as a hyper-sexualized version of this Rum commercial:

[BBvideo 425,350]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z50GWEYPDcs[/BBvideo]



Again EON uses that old chestnut of having the film’s plot play out through the title animations at least when they aren’t locked in kraken coitus! So you needn’t bother watching the movie as it’s all given away to you in octopus form!

The song as we’ve discussed in the thread dedicated to it is a shrill whinny mess. Smith sounds as though he’s straining on the toilet while his manhood is stuck in a vise!

I skipped over the gun barrel walk in my last rant, so I’ll mention it here, much like EON who included it in the wrong place the last 3 films!

Well at least its back at the beginning again, that’s all I can say for it. Craig quickly minces in stage right, gun on full display in his right hand, whips around and fires. The whole thing comes off so rushed, as if they forgot to make one and realized they needed it 5 minutes before the film was to be packed off to the cinemas. The thing is Craig filmed gun barrels before for the end of his two previous movies. I don’t remember them coming off so slap dash, so why bother filming a new one? Especially one so poorly done? Any way they did, and it, like the rest of this film comes together in such a rushed, cobbled together fashion.

[Veronica]

I actually can not believe some people can go past the Blofeld/brother thing. It just has to be the most disgraceful thing ever. I get sucking up to pretentious critics is their thing now but...come on. THIS?! There is no word to describe how...vomiting that is.

[ml94]

I actually can not believe some people can go past the Blofeld/brother thing. It just has to be the most disgraceful thing ever. I get sucking up to pretentious critics is their thing now but...come on. THIS?! There is no word to describe how...vomiting that is.

AGREED.

[Kristatos]

I actually can not believe some people can go past the Blofeld/brother thing. It just has to be the most disgraceful thing ever. I get sucking up to pretentious critics is their thing now but...come on. THIS?! There is no word to describe how...vomiting that is.

I suggest this as theme to the next Bond film:
[video]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YXEXO1YHpmQ[/video]

[Veronica]

I am guessing the next villain will be someone who got less candy in kindergarten than Craig's Bond.

[dirtybenny]

Oh yeah,the whole "Craig is more human/emotional Bond" thing is ridiculous at the very least. I am feeling all the emotions with his one facial expression!

Not just that, but the occasions where he has superhuman strength like with the latest drill chair torture scene.

Those will be future topics for sure! Although I think I touched on Craig's super human strength in my "Realism Vs. Reelism" rant.

I actually can not believe some people can go past the Blofeld/brother thing. It just has to be the most disgraceful thing ever. I get sucking up to pretentious critics is their thing now but...come on. THIS?! There is no word to describe how...vomiting that is.

I'm with you 100% V! I'll be getting in to that a bit more when I reach that point in the film!

I actually can not believe some people can go past the Blofeld/brother thing. It just has to be the most disgraceful thing ever. I get sucking up to pretentious critics is their thing now but...come on. THIS?! There is no word to describe how...vomiting that is.

I suggest this as theme to the next Bond film:
[video]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YXEXO1YHpmQ[/video]

Don't give them any ideas Kris! I wonder did anyone jokingly suggest Blofeld be Bond's brother in the past? I wonder if EON is farming us for bad ideas! Speaking of which...

I am guessing the next villain will be someone who got less candy in kindergarten than Craig's Bond.

Your'e on the right track V, but in order to be avant garde, the next villain will be a woman, she will be a girl Bond din't give a valentine to when he was 12, because he was distraught over the death of his parents unbeknownst to her, so she will devise a world domination plot to extract revenge!

[Barry Niven]

but in order to be avant garde, the next villain will be a woman, she will be a girl Bond din't give a valentine to when he was 12, because he was distraught over the death of his parents unbeknownst to her, so she will devise a world domination plot to extract revenge!

IIRC, when Jessica Chastain was publicly asked if she wanted to be a future Bond Girl, she replied 'no' because she wanted to be THE Villain instead. Now if NuEON actually took up her offer For Real, I would be very upset since I really, REALLY like her. And be *persuaded* to watch the next one just for her (whether Craggy returns or not) when I'd sooner not watch any more future "Bond" movies for any reason at all.

And besides, they already had a Female Villain with Sophie Marceau in TWINE, and her Drama-Queen flouncing put me off then. And I'd hate to see Chastain's superior talents and likability get watered-down by another tepid production & predictable "plot-twist".

[dirtybenny]

Special Feature Rant: The Spectre Introspection: part 3: Fool’s Holiday

After the titles we find our intrepid hero seated in M’s office getting a real blowing up. M takes 30 seconds to lay out the plot line involving the merger of MI5 and 6 including the fact the 00 section is on the chopping block, (Again!!!) as well as inform us the new head of this joint venture will be arriving shortly. Craig’s smarmy response is “You’re right sir; you do have a tricky day ahead.” As if what M does is unimportant, you know running Her Majesty’s intelligence service is somehow akin to a barista at Starbucks. None of the previous Bonds showed such distain and disrespect to their supervisor. They all displayed a respect and reverence even when in disagreement.

M asks once again what Craig was doing in Mexico, to which he reply’s “I was on a much overdue holiday”. M rightfully grows tired of this insolence and tells Craig he’s being suspended indefinitely, and must report to Q branch in the morning. My question is why? We’ll find out next rant it’s to get his “smart blood”. But my question still stands, why? He’s been taken out of service; he’s “on the beach” as they say, why is he getting shot up with Nano bots and issued new equipment? Craig stands up and clumsily buttons his suit jacket and over coat, why is he wearing an overcoat in the office? Maybe MI6 needs to cut its heating bill to cover the costs of Craig’s c**k ups. Funny thing about Craig’s overcoat is it fits like a suit jacket should, that illustrates just how tight his clothing is, he’s wearing several layers of skin tight clothing and it looks like just one layer of properly tailored clothing.

Just then Andrew Scott as Max Denbigh walks in wearing a “kick me I’m evil” sign, at least he might as well be, as he’s so obviously on the wrong side. Not to mention Scott’s career has been so pigeon holed as the baddie he’s begun growing feathers. By that I’m referring to the Don Johnsonesq 5-o’clock shadow he’s sporting, I guess the head of the joint surveillance services doesn’t have time to shave or perhaps he’s a huge Miami Vice fan. Craig and he exchange pleasantries about Max’s promotion and Craig says “I suppose I should call you C now”. Why is that? As we established in earlier films including the one just previous, the letter moniker of the service head is their initial. This guy’s name is Max Denbigh, unless I’m horribly mistaken, neither one of those names begin with C.

“C”s role in this film, when he’s not foaming at the mouth with villainy is to play the parts of the Intelligence Committee, Gareth Mallory, and smarmy Q from Skyfall, that is to say those who feel MI6 and more specifically the 00 section are antiquated and useless, and that cameras and drones are the future. More on this in future rants.

Craig exits and runs in to Moneypenny in the courtyard. She’s holding a box that contains all that remained from Skyfall. Which is impossible as the box is far too small to hold Sam Mendes’ ego. Craig tells her to bring it to him later at his apartment. To which she makes a puzzled face. LOL, get it, it’s funny because he could have taken it from her right there!

Later we find Craig forlorningly staring out his curtain less floor to ceiling windows, whiskey in hand and in full view with suit jacket off but shoulder holster still on. I guess all of his neighbors already know he carries a gun. Moneypenny comes in notices the sparse untidy conditions and asks “Have you just moved in?” Craig replies “No.” LOL, get cause it’s so shabby! James Bond is the quintessential gentleman, we first see Bond’s flat in Dr. No, and it’s tastefully decorated with green walls and pictures of turn of the century veteran cars on the walls. In Live and Let Die, Bond’s flat is well appointed with a fancy coffee making machine; he is not an 80’s movie cop like Dirty Harry, John McClain, and Axle Foley living in squalor, with bare walls of cracked plaster and old take out packages littered about.

She asks him what was going on in Mexico, he plays coy, and she remarks “They say you’re finished” he asks “What do you think?” She says “I think you’re just getting started” What banter! Craig finally reveals the video from momma M after Moneypenny claims he doesn’t trust anyone, how expositional!

M’s exact words are in their entirety is; “If anything happens to me, I need you to find a man called Marco Sciarra, kill him and don’t miss the funeral.” I write that verbatim because it begs a question in the funeral rant.

After Moneypenny leaves, Craig opens the box she delivered. Inside he finds a badly CGIed sepia tone photo that looks to have been taken in 1926 despite the inclusion of a familiar craggy faced youngster produced by said CGI. Also another man who based on the quality of the effects looks to have never existed in the real world, and a third figure whose face has been removed by a strategically placed perfectly round hole. This photo makes me wonder if maybe it was created on take your child to work day at the special effects department, and the artist let his seven year old have a go at it. The box also contains the temporary guardianship letter giving young Master James Bond to Hans Oberhauser. Now correct me if I’m wrong but hadn’t Skyfall manor been sold when the intrepid trio destroyed it last film? So why were Craig’s personal papers and childhood photos lying about? I would have loved to have read the real estate listing on that!

For sale: Medieval Scottish castle set upon a brown dreary moor with a well-lit secret tunnel. Listing includes all furnishings, rugs, tapestries and adoption papers. Inquire with Kinkaid the crusty old game keeper. (Who I thought was alluded to being the one who had raised him in SF. Oh well why let all that get in the way of another forced, contrived, personal anguish, origin storyline.)

[Omega]

Just brilliant !


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Veronica]

That line about Mendes' ego deserves an award.

[Kristatos]

I've just noticed that you can like posts on Tapatalk, the way you can in Facebook. So I did.