LOVED your chapter, Kristatos!
CHAPTER 23 "CAUSE YOU MUST FORGET BACCARAT".
Bond and Madeleine, tired after getting drunk off their asses the previous night, decide it's time to make this look like a Bond film after all. So while on a train that of course must look like the Orient Express, Bond magically takes a dinner jacket out of his suitcase, and asks for the valet to press it. (don't ask questions, trains have valets that press jackets).
Madeleine is shocked to see the man who downs HEINEKEN (I'm still laughing at that) like Sprite (Hey let's exploit the product placement more) actually owns a dinner jacket and is going to change into it, for well, dinner.
"You are going to change for dinner?"
Bond looks at her like she's a complete idiot. Cause that works for romance.
"Oh well, I meant to just go to bed wearing nothing but Chanel n.5 like Marylin, but given you're paying and you're changing, I guess I will shower and wear my evening dress for dinner, even if there isn't a red carpet for us to be seen here. What a waste."
Bond thinks he has probably landed the worst shag ever, but hey she's so pretty and WAIT the LUUURVE, get back in character and have those heart-shaped eyes!
"I need privacy to get changed" she quips.
"But of course" replies Bond, while thinking about how he will get in her panties later. Not before they kill someone though. Cause he is a ruthless killer and she must be reminded of her daddy issues and her need to psychoanalyze Bond.
Bond changes and puts on a white tux ("They all look like icemen!" an off screen voice taken from Billy Wilder's Sabrina says). In an incredibly surprising "matchy matchy" outfit move, she arrives wearing a light colored dress, too. Bond is drooling while staring.
And the patented pick up line is used AGAIN.
"You shouldn't stare".
"You shouldn't look like that".
"You do remember I dumped your ass flat out the last time you tried this pick-up line with me? Don't you have any other ones?"
"Sure. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?"
"Je suis française, cochon." (I'm French, you pig)
"Did you not look at my name and last name?!"
"I was too busy being distracted by your cleava... erm beauty".
"Now this works better".
Bond is reminded that he must get to business, and not in the way he would love, because otherwise the pointless plot will be over too soon.
"Let's get to business. Do you know what this is?"
Bond puts a gun to assemble on the table. Shows how to assemble it.
"Dude. I may seem stupid but I am just vulgar. Even I know that's a gun".
"HELL NO, it will ruin my manicure!"
"Take it! I promised your father I'd protect you, so you need to learn how to kill others. Plus we need this oh-so-subtle anvil to fall on the heads of those watching, don't you get it??"
"Oh whatever, FINE." She grabs the pieces to assemble and quicker than Sydney Bristow in that Alias episode where guess what, the elementary school kid she was, learnt to assemble guns quick as lightning (you didn't think this was an ORIGINAL plot point, did you), she puts the gun together, complete with bullets.
"Wow. That SO turns me on" says Bond.
"Wow, NOW we're talking, James."
As she is about to play footsie with him under the table, BIG BIG HANDS henchman (a character we have NEVER seen before
) enters, walks to their table, and as Bond recognizes him, BWHAM! Everything is off the table.
"HOW DARE YOU ruin my prospect shag for the night like this! NOW I am gonna have to kill you, asshole".
"You try that, midget", BIG BIG HANDS retorts.
"JAMES! I can't stand this, not another killing!" Madeleine whines.
BIG BIG HANDS henchman takes her.
"ON SECOND THOUGHT, ANOTHER KILLING IS FINE! I'll PSYCHOANALYZE you AFTER, WHEEEE!! FUN!! But for now COME SAVE MY ASS!!"
Bond rips off one of the baggage holding tubes and hits the henchman on the head. Bounces back like a rubber wall but at least BIG BIG HANDS lets go of Madeleine.
"Blimey. What the f**k do I need to use!? He won't die! cause it's not like I have my PPK hidden anywhere or anything, not like I'm actually a spy in this movie. There was only that one gun to assemble!"
Madeleine meantime grabs the ice bucket and hits him on the head. Nothing. (note: Remind you of someone? Of about every d**n henchman we've seen before? Right, but hey this one is special, he has BIG BIG HANDS!)
Meantime BIG BIG HANDS is strangling Bond, and Madeleine can't find the gun.
"Where the f**k did it go?"
"Hmphhhhh grunt TRY under hmphhh grunt *choke noise* the rests of the table!" Bond says as BIG BIG HANDS is working his magic on him.
The stroke of complete genius Bond just had makes Madeleine find the gun, and she hits the henchman with it.
"HMPHHH GRUNT DO YOU KNOW IT IS USED TO SHOOT??", gruntles Bond.
"HMPHHH GRUNT DID IT LOOK LIKE HITTING HIM WAS EFFECTIVE BEFORE?", he continues.
Finally, she manages to give Bond the gun after having jumped on the back of BIG BIG HANDS like a child playing piggyback ride with daddy, and Bond shoots him IN THE SHOULDER. Because this scene must go on for another 10 minutes.
They move to the other carriage, and after another ten minutes of boring, useless fight, Bond manages to send him flying for his life out of the train.
"f**king FINALLY." he says as he looks out the train door.
"OMG that was so f**king cool!! You saved my life and then I helped you and then you killed the bad guy!! What shall we do now???"
Bond looks at her "Well NOW IT IS TIME I SHAG YOU!"
"OF COURSE, MY PRINCE!" she enthusiastically replies.
And they're off to make the sweetest, most passionate love you have ever seen.
Yes, for real. (no one in their right mind buys it).
The day after, a much more refreshed and satisfied Bond is ready to face his next opponent in, you guessed it, A GAME OF TEXAS HOLD 'EM, cause YOU MUST FORGET BACCARAT ever existed in a Bond movie and you MUST focus on this vulgar in fashion game instead.
Ps: I swear I couldn't make some of this crap up.