"craggy-faced" Sean Bean fights for his team

[carl stromberg]

http://football.guardian.co.uk/Fiver/0,,2102216,00.html

Craggy-Faced Hollywood Superstar Sean Bean


Rob Smyth
Wednesday June 13, 2007
Guardian Unlimited


BEAN THERE, DONE THAT
Dignity is overrated. Fact. Sure, society mocks when it sees the Fiver sleepwalking round London in the small hours wearing nothing but a pair of blood-flow-restrictingly-tight Superman Y-fronts and a white rose held between seductively gritted teeth, but they don't know how fresh we feel of a morning. Nobody needs dignity. Don't believe us? Then ask anyone who has anything to do with Sheffield United, whose whingeing over the Carlos Tevez saga goes on and on and on and on and on like a Longpigs chorus.



Having appointed Bryan Robson as their manager, United's best chance of a return to the Premiership was never going to be on the pitch, and so they have proposed that next season's Premiership should be a 21-team cure for insomnia, with room for both them and West Ham. But the Fiver has a better solution: make it a 19-team cure for excess serotonin and bundle both teams into the nearest cubicle marked "DO ONE": West Ham because of their embarrassingly transparent cheating, and Sheffield United for a) whining and b) allowing Lady Chatterley-loving, craggy-faced Hollywood superstar and Hobbit-bothering heir of the Steward of Gondor Sean Bean to whine on their behalf.
In a scene begging to be lampooned by the creators of South Park, Boromir Bean led a 100-strong delegation outside parliament today to complain about the important issues in life: world poverty, the ending of the Sopranos, the declining availability of Beef Discos and his side's relegation for being one of the worst three sides in the Premiership. "I think I'm in a position to express my opinion and that of many Sheffield United fans aggrieved by the decision that was made by the original panel," he said. "My message to MPs would be to thank them for the support we've had - I think we've had 40-plus MPs getting behind us and they've shown sympathy for our cause."

An arbitration panel will rule again on Monday, and they can surely only go one way now that PFA chief Gordon Taylor has come up with new, incontrovertible evidence: an unpleasant odour! "From the very beginning when West Ham took those two Argentinian internationals, it didn't smell right," he said, sticking pins in a stick figure of Johnny Foreigner. Whatever the verdict on Monday, however, you suspect that won't be the end of it. Here's hoping Bean's crusading chums Matt Damon, Sean Penn and Janaene Garafolo are available when he needs them.