Re: SPECTRE: The Unofficial Novelisation

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Re: SPECTRE: The Unofficial Novelisation

Postby Blowfeld » Sun Aug 02, 2015 10:11 pm

Chapter 20: The Contessa

Bond looked at the address for the fifth time in as many minutes. It was a handwritten note with the address of a business and some chicks name he could no longer make out. What pissed Bond off to no end was how illegible it was, it didn’t concern him that it was his handwriting, or that he stole a pen off the guy he just snuffed to write it. What should have bothered Bond was he still had that personalized pen and that the note was on hotel stationary both of which connect him to what was technically a murder. However as far as Bond knew CSI was a Belgian spy agency and ignorance was bliss.

He finally found the Ikea store he was looking for, the little store was nestled in one of the most scenic panoramic views in all of Austria. However Bond only had eyes for the beauties who worked the store.
Bond scanned the room silently ranking the women he saw on “do-ability”. Finally after a whole minute of searching he saw her from across the room working the returns desk, her back was to him, Bond noted she had one of the best asses he had ever seen. Bella burro as his father would say.

Mr Whites Daughter was a total hottie! Bond wondered if they would shag now or would they shag later.
To Bond didn’t matter if she was Mr White’s daughter or not, this would be the women he would pledge to love, honour, and obey. Thus keeping the solemn promise he had made in jest, somehow the dying Mr White failed to notice the irony in his voice. Then, s**t, he went and died on Bond before Bond could say “Psych!”, Bond wanted to witness the befuddled look on the man’s face in his final moments.

The pretty young woman at the Ikea returns desk greeted Bond in some kind of crazy freaky language.

Bond shook his greying hair indicating he didn’t comprehend.

‘Sorry doll. No speaka de English. No hablas Honey. Comprende?’

‘Sorry, you are American?’

‘No, baby I’m a real man, a Briton.‘

‘British?’ she asked haltingly struggling to credit this man with the nationality he claimed.

Bond focused on her name tag trying to make out what language it was written in. It read Mad el e in e. Was that French? Bond wondered.

‘Say maybe you can help me. I’m looking for girl called Tracy. That wouldn’t happen to be you would it?’

She let out a relived sigh, a breath the young woman with the “world’s best ass” didn’t know she was holding.

‘No sorry. I’m, Madeleine.’ She said tapping her name tag.

Bond’s confused ape like eyes looked again to his handwritten note. What the f**k had he written down? His mind raced to find the solution. He took out his ill-gotten pen to trace the letters hoping to make them more legible.
Madeleine’s eyes opened wide in shock recognizing the pen.

‘Where did you get that?!’ she inquired

‘What then pen? Off some dead guy.’ Bond offered nonchalantly.

‘Dead guy?! , No, No, no! I gave that pen to my father for father’s day when I was thirteen!’

Bond look at her confused. What was she trying to say? Was it even in English?

‘I talked to papa just this morning and he was fine. Healthy as a horse!’

‘Well,’ Bond replied coolly, ‘Even when a race horse breaks his leg there is somebody who will come along to shoot him.’

‘What!?’ she shrieked

‘quoi?’ said Bond.

‘No, no, no. This is all wrong.’

Humm maybe Bond thought.

‘Let me ask you this was you father a prig who thought Bond movies were s**t?’

Madeleine’s eyes looked shocked.

‘Yes.’ She said in halting voice, ‘He said he met the man, and he was the crudest, shortest, ugliest man he had ever seen.’

‘Well, I happen to agree with him. Double taking pidgins? What nonsense!’

‘No! Not at all! He liked those films! We both did.’

Humm, Bond frowned, what she said didn’t make any sense. Those movies were awful, nobody in their right mind could enjoy them.

The girl fought to dry her eyes, maintaining some semblance of professionalism. She just lost her father and she knew in her heart she would even see another new Bond movie again. It was almost too much to bear.

‘I’m sorry sir. Did you have a problem with furniture?”

What’s this? Bond’s mind spun, was it foreplay?

‘Constantly.’ He said smoothly

‘Fine.’ Madeleine said not even blinking. ‘I Have a few form questions to ask you. Don’t ask me why. Apparently it went over big in the last movie. ‘

‘Any trouble sleeping on our futon?’

‘Only when I close my eyes’

‘Were you drunk or otherwise impaired while assembling?’

‘Goldfinger 2 baby! Whoo!’

‘Erm. Alright. What did dislike about out furniture?’

‘That’s not something I like to talk about.’

‘Please it’s for our form.’

Bond does not miss a beat
‘I kill people.’

‘What the hell!’ Madeleine does not miss a beat either. ‘You sonofabitch!’

Her angry bloodshot eyes glare Bond down. But Bond like Paul Blart (tm) is made of tougher stuff.

‘Actually I’m an orphan. I was eleven when I was adopted by the SAS, go fighting ceramic bull dogs! After I retired from the Army I tried the postal service however they frowned upon the killing. Then, I think she was my grandmother hired me to work On Her Majesties Secret Service(tm), where as they say I could go postal.’

Bond chuckled at his own wit.

‘You murdered my father and have the balls to show yourself to me?!’

‘Small world.’

‘No it isn’t!’

‘Look before he, er, Killed himself. Yes that’s it! Killed himself! Your father asked me to protect you.’

‘You liar! You murdered a helpless old man who wanted nothing more form his retirement than to finish his macramé!’

Bond held his hand out to her and is his best Schwarzenegger said;
‘Come with me if you want to live!’

‘Go to hell! I’m calling the police!’

Bond shrugged it off as if it meant nothing. After all he reasoned not everyone could play Sarah Connor to his terminator. Bond turned his back on the woman and walked out as cool as a cucumber. When he reached the door he turned to looked Madeleine in the eye and said;

‘I’ll be Back!’
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Re: SPECTRE: The Unofficial Novelisation

Postby Alessandra » Tue Aug 04, 2015 1:50 am

Chapter 21
The briefest romance ever.

Bond was waiting for his shag with White's daughter, but had to look like he actually gave a sh-t, because hey he promised her assassin father to protect her, so he only let her get drunk and put her to sleep while he got working on finding an incredibly amazing secret access in the room they were at.
"Not even shagging, it's hot as hell and I can't find sh-t in this room". Suddenly, he noticed a crack on the wall, complete with hole that he hadn't noticed at all. But when a giant rat walks out of there, then you kinda notice.
"Am I going f**king blind? Whatever, let me check that".
The drunken cursing beauty was asleep but hey, who doesn't wake up at the sound of a wall being broken with a single fist? Cause Bond has turned into Bruce Lee y'all. (Yes, this Southern expression was just appropriate here).
In an AMAZING turn of events, the crack and hole on the wall DID Mean there was a hidden door behind it! HOOORAYYY!!! We don't have to be hit with anvils on the head anymore! In an incredible turn of events, sleeping beauty wakes up at the gentle sound of a wall being torn down.
"Stop making all this noise, you sod! I have a headache from that stuff I drank way too quickly earlier, straight from the bottle cause I'm one d**n classy lady!"
"Well hey don't you want to play "let's find secret passages" with me???"
"f**k no"
Bond rolled his eyes, thinking that pretty as she may be, this shag was costing him way too much effort and patience. But he was supposed to LURVE HER! So wait, undying devotion for the oh-so-classy (NOT) creature.
"Come on, you lovely adorable angel, we may find something there. Like a hidden criminal deposit with passports and all that, and another anvil about my old love that I saw die and I told you about when you asked those psycho babble questions!"
"Well screw it then, I'm all for some drugs if they're there. You have given me such a headache I will need morphine."
AAND as they find a passage to a secret room... they enter and see the table is stashed with MORPHINE!
She gets high and he is looking at her with heart-shaped eyes because she is in her La Perla nightgown and after all, he wants to shag her.
She: "You shouldn't stare."
Bond: "You shouldn't look like that."
She: "God I have never gotten such a lousy pick up line from anyone. Even an escort has higher standards than this. Goodbye."
"Are we on coms?"
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Re: SPECTRE: The Unofficial Novelisation

Postby Kristatos » Tue Aug 04, 2015 6:40 pm

CHAPTER 22: HE AIN'T HEAVY, HE'S MY FOSTER BROTHER

Bond took another swig of his Heineken® and followed Madeleine out of the room. "Wait, come back!" he called after her. "We've another 6 bottles of Heineken® to get through".

"Thanks very...BUUURP...thanks very much" she slurred, snatching the bottles out of his hand. "But whu...whaddar you gonna drink?"

They were outside now, in the streets of Tangier, where L'Americaine hotel was located. Madeleine had brought Bond here because her father had mentioned it to Bond, and she knew that it was where her parents had spent their honeymoon. Mr White had obviously intended them to find the secret room that the hotel owners had for some reason let him build there, and then keep intact for about 20 or 30 years.

"I don't need another drink right now. I found something else in the secret room. A map."
"A map of what?", said Madeleine, sobering up suddenly. She took the map from Bond and inspected it. "All I can see is a railway line and this picture of a hazelnut that my father has drawn at some random spot".

Bond looked as if he'd just seen a ghost. Well actually, he looked, as usual, like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle. Who had just seen a ghost. "A hazelnut? Oh s**t".

"Does that mean something to you?"
"Oh yes". He broke into that weird, waddling run of his.
"Where are you going?"
"I'm going to catch a train".
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Re: SPECTRE: The Unofficial Novelisation

Postby Alessandra » Tue Aug 04, 2015 10:52 pm

LOVED your chapter, Kristatos! :lol: :lol: :lol:

CHAPTER 23 "CAUSE YOU MUST FORGET BACCARAT".

Bond and Madeleine, tired after getting drunk off their asses the previous night, decide it's time to make this look like a Bond film after all. So while on a train that of course must look like the Orient Express, Bond magically takes a dinner jacket out of his suitcase, and asks for the valet to press it. (don't ask questions, trains have valets that press jackets).
Madeleine is shocked to see the man who downs HEINEKEN (I'm still laughing at that) like Sprite (Hey let's exploit the product placement more) actually owns a dinner jacket and is going to change into it, for well, dinner.
"You are going to change for dinner?"
Bond looks at her like she's a complete idiot. Cause that works for romance.
"Of course."
"Oh well, I meant to just go to bed wearing nothing but Chanel n.5 like Marylin, but given you're paying and you're changing, I guess I will shower and wear my evening dress for dinner, even if there isn't a red carpet for us to be seen here. What a waste."
Bond thinks he has probably landed the worst shag ever, but hey she's so pretty and WAIT the LUUURVE, get back in character and have those heart-shaped eyes!
"I need privacy to get changed" she quips.
"But of course" replies Bond, while thinking about how he will get in her panties later. Not before they kill someone though. Cause he is a ruthless killer and she must be reminded of her daddy issues and her need to psychoanalyze Bond.

Bond changes and puts on a white tux ("They all look like icemen!" an off screen voice taken from Billy Wilder's Sabrina says). In an incredibly surprising "matchy matchy" outfit move, she arrives wearing a light colored dress, too. Bond is drooling while staring.
And the patented pick up line is used AGAIN.
"You shouldn't stare".
"You shouldn't look like that".
"You do remember I dumped your ass flat out the last time you tried this pick-up line with me? Don't you have any other ones?"
"Sure. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?"
"Je suis française, cochon." (I'm French, you pig)
"Oh really?"
"Did you not look at my name and last name?!"
"I was too busy being distracted by your cleava... erm beauty".
"Now this works better".
Bond is reminded that he must get to business, and not in the way he would love, because otherwise the pointless plot will be over too soon.
"Let's get to business. Do you know what this is?"
Bond puts a gun to assemble on the table. Shows how to assemble it.
"Dude. I may seem stupid but I am just vulgar. Even I know that's a gun".
"Take it."
"HELL NO, it will ruin my manicure!"
"Take it! I promised your father I'd protect you, so you need to learn how to kill others. Plus we need this oh-so-subtle anvil to fall on the heads of those watching, don't you get it??"
"Oh whatever, FINE." She grabs the pieces to assemble and quicker than Sydney Bristow in that Alias episode where guess what, the elementary school kid she was, learnt to assemble guns quick as lightning (you didn't think this was an ORIGINAL plot point, did you), she puts the gun together, complete with bullets.
"Wow. That SO turns me on" says Bond.
"Wow, NOW we're talking, James."
As she is about to play footsie with him under the table, BIG BIG HANDS henchman (a character we have NEVER seen before :roll: ) enters, walks to their table, and as Bond recognizes him, BWHAM! Everything is off the table.
"HOW DARE YOU ruin my prospect shag for the night like this! NOW I am gonna have to kill you, asshole".
"You try that, midget", BIG BIG HANDS retorts.
"JAMES! I can't stand this, not another killing!" Madeleine whines.
BIG BIG HANDS henchman takes her.
"ON SECOND THOUGHT, ANOTHER KILLING IS FINE! I'll PSYCHOANALYZE you AFTER, WHEEEE!! FUN!! But for now COME SAVE MY ASS!!"
Bond rips off one of the baggage holding tubes and hits the henchman on the head. Bounces back like a rubber wall but at least BIG BIG HANDS lets go of Madeleine.
"Blimey. What the f**k do I need to use!? He won't die! cause it's not like I have my PPK hidden anywhere or anything, not like I'm actually a spy in this movie. There was only that one gun to assemble!"
Madeleine meantime grabs the ice bucket and hits him on the head. Nothing. (note: Remind you of someone? Of about every d**n henchman we've seen before? Right, but hey this one is special, he has BIG BIG HANDS!)
Meantime BIG BIG HANDS is strangling Bond, and Madeleine can't find the gun.
"Where the f**k did it go?"
"Hmphhhhh grunt TRY under hmphhh grunt *choke noise* the rests of the table!" Bond says as BIG BIG HANDS is working his magic on him.
The stroke of complete genius Bond just had makes Madeleine find the gun, and she hits the henchman with it.
"HMPHHH GRUNT DO YOU KNOW IT IS USED TO SHOOT??", gruntles Bond.
"HMPHHH GRUNT DID IT LOOK LIKE HITTING HIM WAS EFFECTIVE BEFORE?", he continues.
Finally, she manages to give Bond the gun after having jumped on the back of BIG BIG HANDS like a child playing piggyback ride with daddy, and Bond shoots him IN THE SHOULDER. Because this scene must go on for another 10 minutes.
They move to the other carriage, and after another ten minutes of boring, useless fight, Bond manages to send him flying for his life out of the train.
"f**king FINALLY." he says as he looks out the train door.
"OMG that was so f**king cool!! You saved my life and then I helped you and then you killed the bad guy!! What shall we do now???"
Bond looks at her "Well NOW IT IS TIME I SHAG YOU!"
"OF COURSE, MY PRINCE!" she enthusiastically replies.
And they're off to make the sweetest, most passionate love you have ever seen.
Yes, for real. (no one in their right mind buys it).

The day after, a much more refreshed and satisfied Bond is ready to face his next opponent in, you guessed it, A GAME OF TEXAS HOLD 'EM, cause YOU MUST FORGET BACCARAT ever existed in a Bond movie and you MUST focus on this vulgar in fashion game instead.

Ps: I swear I couldn't make some of this crap up. :lol:
"Are we on coms?"
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Re: SPECTRE: The Unofficial Novelisation

Postby Kristatos » Wed Aug 05, 2015 5:32 pm

CHAPTER 24: NUTS, 00HAZELNUTS

Back in London, M, Q and Moneypenny were sitting around a table at a branch of Pizza Express® - for a higher class of fake Italian food. Q took a bite out of his pizza, followed by a chip (sorry, Alessandra - pizza with chips is actually a thing over here). He swallowed and said "Using the nanoblood, I've managed to track Bond to the Sahara Desert. When I met Madeline Swann earlier, in a scene that we skipped over in this novelisation cos it was boring, I learned that he was pursuing his former foster brother, Hans Oberhausen, who is the head of an organisation called SPECTRE that Le Chiffre, Mr White, Dominic Green and The Joker Raoul Silva were apparently all working for, even though nobody ever mentioned it before. He must be at Oberhausen's secret hideout. We'd better go and rescue him."
"No!" said M emphatically. "Bond is absolutely on his own".
"Please?", said Moneypenny.
"Oh, all right then".

***

Bond and Madeleine got off the train at an out-of-the-way station called Secret Hideout Halt. "Well, there doesn't seem to be anything here", said Bond. Just then, a chauffeur-driven Rolls-Royce pulled up. The window wound down and the chauffeur said "Ah, Mr Bond, I've been expecting you. Mr Oberhausen very much wants to meet you, even though he just sent his henchman to try and kill you."

The hideout was an an opulent lair, of the type that we were told was completely ridiculous in the "old" Bond films, though it will no doubt be hailed as a bold reimagining in this one. As Bond and Madeleine walked into the main hall, they were greeted by a man in a Nehru jacket, stroking a giant bar of Cadbury's Whole Nut® as though it was a cat sat on his lap. Bond recognised him from the funeral.

"Ah Mr Bond", he purred.
"You've been expecting me?" muttered Bond.
"I've been exp...hey, that's my line! You always have to get in first, don't you, cuckoo?"

Madeleine looked puzzled. "Cuckoo?"
"Yes", sneered Oberhausen. "The cuckoo in the nest. Do you remember me from your childhood? After your parents' unfortunate accident?"
Now it was Bond's turn to be puzzled. "Umm, quite frankly, no. After my parents died, I went to live with my aunt Charmian in Kent. Obviously I missed my parents, but it was quite a happy childhood I had there. No major traumas and definitely no screaming nutjob foster brothers".
"The reboot, cuckoo, the reboot!" shrieked Oberhausen. "Now, according to this new backstory that the screenwriters just pulled out of their asses, you went to live with my daddy in the Alps. We used to play Texas Hold 'Em Poker for hazelnuts, remember? You bluffed and beat me one time, and it turned me into a crazed megalomaniac who wants to take over the world."
"I was a trained psychiatrist before I got my job at Ikea®", said Madeleine, soothingly. "In my professional opinion, that makes no f**king sense whatsoever".
"Ah, the lovely Nutella. I had almost forgotten you were here. I have been watching you your whole life, thanks to the technology that I have now chosen to share with PERVERTS. Would you like to see a movie?".
A screen on the wall flickered into life. It was Bond killing Mr White. "What do you think of your boyfriend now, eh, Nutella?"
"You know my dress size, but you don't know me. And stop calling me Nutella, my name is Madeleine".
"Only because I agreed to let your father call you that. My mistake, for some reason, I thought there were hazelnuts in a Madeleine biscuit. Which reminds me...." He turned back to Bond. "What do you say to a rematch, cuckoo?" He touched his pinky to the corner of his mouth. "We will play for One! Million! Hazelnuts! And if you win, I let you and Nutella..."
"Madeleine!"
"...go free, no questions asked".
Just then, there was the sound of a bugle playing the charge call. M, Q and Moneypenny burst through the wall on horseback. Oberhausen's face was a mask of blood as Bond jumped onto the back of M's horse and Madeleine onto Moneypenny's.

"Looks like the cavalry came just in time", said Bond, turning back to Oberhausen. "Oh, and by the way, he wasn't your daddy either. Your real name..."
There was a crash of thunder.
...is Ernst Serban"
There was a long, awkward silence.
"Sorry." said Moneypenny. "Was that supposed to mean something?"
"I know, right", said Bond. "I felt sure it was going to be Ernst Stavro Blofeld, but it says Serban here in the script".
"I am totally convinced by that", said M. "Come on, let's go". And they all rode off into the sunset, except for Serban, who nursed the gash across his eye.
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Re: SPECTRE: The Unofficial Novelisation

Postby Kristatos » Tue Sep 08, 2015 4:20 pm

CHAPTER 25- MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE BRANCH
In an army barracks somewhere in the Sahara, M, Q, Bond and Madeline took it in turns to explain the plot to the audience.

"How did you find Bond?", M asked Q.
"Through the nanotechnology in his blood. What I did was blatantly illegal and violates every data protection law, but I'm a loveable rogue, so that's OK".
Bond threw a hard drive on the table.
"What's that?", asked M.
"It's the hard drive that appeared at the beginning of Skyfall and was then promptly forgotten about. It shows how SPECTRE operates. Le Chiffre was the money, Silva was the IT, Mr White was the Director of Operations, Goldfinger was Human Resources, and Scaramanga did the photocopying".
"And Dominic Green?"
"There was no such person as Dominic Green" said Bond, through clenched teeth, "and there was never a film called Quantum of Solace".
"If you say so", sighed M. "Anyway, Bloberhauserban, or whatever his bloody name is in this draft, is still out there. What do we do now?"
Bond cocked his gun."I'm going to see C".

Q looked puzzled. "You're going to CC who?"
"No, not CC, see C!"
Now it was Madeline's turn to look puzzled. "You're going to CCCC?"
"AAAARGH! No, C! Moriarty! I'm going to see him"

M looked worried. "It sounds like you're suggesting a military coup".
"I am"
"Oh, OK then".

M and Q left the barracks. Bond got up to follow them, but Madeline grabbed his arm.
"So this is goodbye then". She kissed him softly on the cheek.
"You're not coming with me?"
"I can't watch any more people die, or listen to any more dialogue laboriously explaining the subtext to idiots. I'm sorry".

Bond left by one door, Madeline another. Outside, BIG BIG HANDS was waiting.
"Nutella?"
"Madeline! What is it?"
He produced a truncheon, and brought it down on top of her head.
"I said what is it, not hit me over the head with a...."
She collapsed.
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Re: SPECTRE: The Unofficial Novelisation

Postby dirtybenny » Thu Sep 17, 2015 1:41 am

Chapter 26- A Farewell to Pants

Bond approached the office door, light flickering through the open jam. Bond could hear C before he saw him, cackling maniacally and hooting unintelligibly. Bond peered in the door and around the corner. There before his eyes he saw C, sweating profusely, sprinting back and forth between two large banks of CCTV screens in his underwear.

“Woo hoo, I see you, mmmuuuuuhhhaaaahhhhaaa!” C cackled as he waved at a screen depicting a woman’s locker room.

“Oh, you cheeky little crumpet” he shrilly squealed as he ran to the other bank of monitors.

Bond approached further in to the room, raising his pistol, “Ahem, having fun are we?” Bond asked, “You’d have known I was coming if you bothered to use one of those screens for it’s intended purpose, you sick little monkey.”

“What do I care what’s going on in the building, when I can watch all this! Hahahaha” C screamed eyes wide with mania.

“You’ll tell me all you know about Spectre, and then I’m going to end this sick charade!” Bond’s enraged voice booming and echoing with disgust throughout the halls.

“I doooon’t think sooooo!” C replied in his shrillest falsetto yet. As he said that with emphasis he pressed a button on his large oak desk centrally located in the office, which raised a large video screen behind him which took up the entire wall in the vaulted room.

The screen flickered to life, showing to Bond’s horror, Madeline in a nondescript concrete room tied to a chair, the sinister Mr. Big Hands standing ominously over her.

“I’m going to tell you what, Mr. Bond? I think it will be you who will be telling me! Muuuhahahah!”
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Re: SPECTRE: The Unofficial Novelisation

Postby Kristatos » Sat Sep 19, 2015 12:57 pm

CHAPTER 27- BOND BEGINS (AGAIN)

Bond casually shot C in the head and went off to find Madeline. Over a loudspeaker, he heard the unmistakable voice of BlOberhauSerban.

"Thank you for killing C for me, cuckoo. It saves me the trouble. Now...I am the author of All Your Pain Volume 2: Some More of Your Pain. This building will explode in 3 minutes. Needless to say, BIG BIG HANDS and I will be long gone by then."
In the background, Bond heard the sound of a helicopter starting up.
"You have a choice, cuckoo. Escape, or die saving the woman you currently enjoy playing Hide the Sausage with. I think I know which head you'll think with. Goodbye, Mr Bond".

Outside a nearby window, Bond saw the helicopter rise into the air and head off into the sky.

"Madeline?" he called. There was no reply. "Madeline?". Still silence. She was probably gagged, he realised. He would have to get her riled up, so that she shouted louder.
"Nutella?"
There was a muffled, angry "mff-dff-lff" from under a desk. It sounded like...
"Madeline!"
He untied her and unceremoniously ripped the tape from off her mouth. She squealed in pain.
"Sorry, but there's no time to lose. We have to get out of here before the whole place explodes the way Babbzy did when she first heard about the Sony hack".
"You mean John Logan?"
"No I...never mind".

He dragged her down the stairs and into Q's underground lair, where the RIB was conveniently still waiting. The pair of them shot out onto the Thames, just as the MI6 building exploded behind them.

Above them, BlOberhauSerban and BIG BIG HANDS were escaping in their helicopter. BlOberhauSerban spotted Bond and Madeline pursuing them in the speedboat.

"Bond's alive!" he wailed. "That makes me so angry, I could..."
He seized the joystick and jerked the helicopter violently to one side. BIG BIG HANDS fell out of his seat and against the door, which opened under his weight, sending him plummeting into the Thames below.
"...kill a henchman".

Then, the sky filled with bullets from the military helicopters that M had summoned. BlOberhauSerban lost control of his own helicopter, and crashed into the river. Bond's speedboat pulled up beside him.
"You win again, cuckoo", blubbered BlOberhauSerban. "I suppose you're going to kill me".
"No", replied Bond. "I'm going to arrest you".
"Why?"
"Because EON wants you for the sequels. And because that's what Batman did to The Joker at the end of The Dark Knight Returns. Batman's awesome", he sighed.

* * *

Back on dry land, Bond took Madeline to the lock-up garage where he kept his Aston Martin DB5.
"Didn't that get blown up in Skyfall?", she asked.
"I had it repaired. Get in".
"Where will we go, James?"
"I have a few ideas. After all...we have all the time in the world".

In cinema auditoria everywhere, there was a great disturbance in the force, as if a million voices screamed out at once, and then were silent.

THE END
(of Bond as we know it)

THIS UNOFFICIAL NOVELISATION HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU WITH THE AID OF SAKATA'S KOREAN RESTAURANT, SANDWICH, KENT
(try the leeks - they're delicious).
Balls, Q?
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Re: SPECTRE: The Unofficial Novelisation

Postby Blowfeld » Sat Sep 26, 2015 7:08 pm

End credit song (where it belongs!)
The Writing's Online
Begin Bondian orchestra music then go cold, cue strangling cat

I’ve been here before
They always pay me more
I’ve ruined what cubby spent a lifetime building
And I always get away with it
But now I’m think’n maybe I’ve done wrong
Got enough money it makes me wanna quit

Ian never wrote this
Blofeld’s my secret brother
But the Daleks call the Doctor the Oncoming Storm
Michael Jackson wrote this song
There’s no use in denying
This is something I gotta face

If we spend it all
Can we break Skyfall?

-Chorus (*women only)
What did you do? Where did Bond go?
Why bring Tracy back as Mr Whites daughter?
I want to see Bond, not some soap opera
Tell me is this one where Bond goes rogue again?
Tossed his gun away
Cause the writing’s on line

Moriarty’s in charge he’s C
Made up emo past
As the plot begins to shatter
And Q’s scared all captured
When all hope begins to shatter
Know that I’m gonna quit

What the hell is this?
I’m not Bond at all

Chorus (*)
Did you just move in? Why all the cameras?
Bring’n Back SPECTRE they’re fresh out of ideas
Gun barrels back, then look for a skull
Tell me is this where Bond goes rogue?
For the dead M he has to kill them all
Cause the writing’s on the net

The script was leaked

Chorus (*)
Who is the pale king? Why do I care?
Why would a secret organization wear identifiable rings?
I want to hear a real Bond song, run’n through my head
Tell me is this where I give up on Bond?
How do they live with themselves? How do you make a worse song than QOS?
Message from beyond the grave, on a nice shiny blu-ray
I want to see bond, not some thug
Tell me is this where I give up on EON?
We got to stop and re-write this
Cause the writing’s on- line
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"Those were the days when we still associated Bond with suave, old school actors such as Sean Connery and Roger Moore,"
"Daniel didn't have a hint of suave about him," - Patsy Palmer
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Favorite Bond Movie: Goldfinger
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