THUNDERBALL Pre-production Brainstorming

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commander0077again
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THUNDERBALL Pre-production Brainstorming

Post by commander0077again »

Feeling a bit silly today, Cmdr. 0077?

THUNDERBALL Pre-production Brainstorming Meeting

Circa 1964-1965. Transcript of executives and stars, Eon Productions. Setting is a humongous office with 100-foot ceilings and floor area of Versailles.

Harry Saltzman: What the hell is this place, Cubby? My office is still only ten by ten feet!

Ken Adam: Cubby asked me to design his new office ....

Harry Saltzman: No doubt, this is included in the budget for Thunderball?

Cubby Brocolli: (beet-red with embarrassment, waving a Cecil B. DeMille cigar) Oh, c'mon, Harry. Relax. Ken will design you a new office, too. Based on our next film. We can build either on a dormant volcano in Knightsbridge, or a bastion of evil high in the Swiss Alps; you'll have to commute with the latter.

Harry Saltzman: Hm. Well, okay .......

Ken Adam: Anyway, I wanted to introduce everyone to the briefing room for Thunderball. It's where all the Double-Os will be gathered --

Sean Connery: (interrupting) Thunderballhz, eh? I'shant Fleming getting a tad kinhky?

Cubby Brocolli: Not Thunderballs, Sean, it's singular.

Sean Connery: Well, itch a fine thing to make do with one ball, thaht's all I can shay....

Harry Saltzman: Alright. Now, here's the important bits: (holds up cute swim trunks, several sizes too small) First off, Sean will have to lose fifteen - twenty pounds so he can fit into these.

Sean Connery: What the hhell, Shaltzy!? Firhst, my cohntrract shays I need to have my eyebrowhs pluhcked --

Cubby Brocolli: Along with your shoulders --

Sean Connery: So I have to fore-goh my beloved porhk pies?

John Barry: It's for the best, Sean. I'll be able to compose meaningful motifs for a lean, hard Bond instead of a leanin' hard over the belt Bond.

Sean Connery: Who ashked you? You're only the composher!

Ken Adam: Look here, Sean, you bloated ninny. Without John's music, your character's effectiveness would be reduced by at least fifty percent. Without him, I daresay there wouldn't even be a franchise.

Sean Connery: (looking downcast)

Cubby Brocolli: There now, Sean. That's the look we need when Domino tells you of the death of her brother.

Harry Saltzman: (sotto voce) We'd get a more realistic reaction if we withheld his paycheck....

Sean Connery: I heard thaht!

Cubby Brocolli: As we were saying ... here's the new main Bond girl, Claudine Auger (pushes over photo and materials).

Sean Connery: Hm, she loohks shexy enough.

Harry Saltzman: (peering at her bio) Says here she prefers men with beautiful bare skin ....

Sean Connery: What the hhell?

John Barry: (laughing) We can put that in our next one! Saltzman passes around Adolfo Celi's materials, with photos of him wearing an eye patch.

John Barry: An eyepatch! I can write some pirate music, I suppose....

Sean Connery: Oh, puh-leash! Next thing, you'll have me wearing a pork-pie hat and Deshmond will outfit me with some ridiculous undershea schooter with rohkets and flamethrowerrrs!

Little Babs Brocolli: Oh, there you all are! I thought you were all hiding from me, ha ha! (eyes roll around the vast, glittering table) Poppy, when are you going to have Bond tamed by a real first-class woman, hmmm?

Sean Connery: Shea here, little girlie. Go and play with your dollhs.

Little Babs Brocolli: Ha, ha. When you're all given the boot, I'm going to make some nice changes. (Stares at Ken Adam) Starting off with your stupid sets~ (Stares at Sean Connery) And, you, with your greasy sexist innuendoes!

Sean Connery: Shexy innuendoes ....? (turns around) Hullo, whatz thihz?

(Ken Adam wheels in a mock-up of a submarine torpedo room, and addresses Little Babs Brocolli) Honey, wouldn't you like to try this torpedo tube?
(She scampers into the tube, which is locked and pointed out the window)

John Barry: (standing alongside Ken Adam) A working model, right? For this one or the next one?

Ken Adam: Let's see. He presses launching sequence.....

John Barry: (begins to hum a suitable thrilling background ... dooong .... dooong .... ta TAAAAHHHH! ta TAHHHHHHHHH!)

Sean Connery: Dong Dong DOOOONGGG!

(Little Babs Brocolli is launched out the window and far over the lake)

:cake:
You move very well for a dead man, Mister Bond

Kill him!
Kill Bond! Now!!!
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